Peace in His Presence… ALWAYS
Let me take you back to when I was little. The time in life when any performance, or sport, or school project, etc, was ultimately about the snack at the end of the game, or the flowers, or trophy at the end. And beyond that, what left the greatest impact on me, for life, was who showed up. Grandparents. Mom. Dad. My brother. Family. Close Friends. After the snack and flowers and trophies are gone, the lasting impact, are the people, who thought I was worth dropping all other things and decided to take the time to come see me. It was a gift to know my people would be there. And when they couldn’t be there physically, I knew they were still there, with us, because they cared.
As a core value in our family, growing up, we participated in not only showing up for our family’s activities, but also for others. Games, recitals, performances… It’s how we did community, friendships, fellowship. Supporting and encouraging. Seeing outside of ourselves, and investing in others.
As I became apart of the lives of kids that I was keeping, it would bring me so much joy when they would bring me their soccer game schedule, or tell me when their recital or performance was. And I loved attending these very special events! I even was asked by one of my families to be “backstage” help for a ballet/tap class at my old dance studio. SO FUN!!! As some of them grew, the need for “fans” lessened but they are still very important to me, and I long to show up when possible.
The above pictures are the JOY of showing up as an Aunt! Soccer, basketball, dance, church and school plays, etc!
I share all the above to let you know the desire of my heart, soul, and mind. And to hopefully paint the picture of how deep the loss is, how much it grieves my heart. The loss and grief I am writing about is that of not being able to physically show up and be present. There are lots of valid reasons that all of us can’t physically show up or be present, but I am going to focus on two of mine for today.
Migraines/Chronic Pain: It’s Migraine Awareness Month, and I could throw out facts and overwhelming statistics, but I’ll let you find those. What I want to attempt to tell you is this, how hard it is to come to a place of peace with letting others down/disappointing those close to you. The weight of having to cancel at the last minute. The inward heart and mind battle that goes on when having no choice but to not show up and be present.
Excruciating. Crushing. Anxiety. Panic. Fear.
I have experienced migraines since elementary school, they progressively got worse in middle school, then again around 19-20 years old, and then again around 30 years old. With the arrival of my Lucy Baby and turning 30, I learned quickly some big boundary lines needed to be set. And an action plan had to be in place, because it was no longer just me, but Lucy would need care if I was in the midst of an attack that was requiring me to camp out in the bathroom. The action plan was made, but Lucy’s life and running ahead was a big part of learning to be at peace with thinking of letting others down and disappointing them. She taught me eyes up, that’s were Jesus is, that’s where we are going, that’s who is number one, cry out, His name has POWER. The more I do these things, the more peace I have, the less anxiety and panic is in my heart.
Canceling. Not being present or showing up for those that I love. It’s a competition conversation with myself. “I can push. No I can’t. I need to let go. No you can’t, really how hard can it be? Well, I can barely sit up without daggers shooting like fireworks in my head. Moving an inch makes me dizzy and nauseous. So do I push myself and make myself more sick, and require more rescue medicine later? Or do I take my medicine and actually let it work, release the tension, and surrender what I cannot control?” And still there is the person I am letting down, I see them, I see their face, its a heartbreak like no other. Yet, I know I cry out Jesus, and I pray that they will too!
COVID/other: I’m not trying to get in an argument. I’m not trying to say I am right. So please, just hear me out. As of this moment, I live in a county that is at High Risk. And it’s simply because there is a lack of caring, “COVID fatigue,” is what they say. Well, people at high risk don’t have that luxury of getting “COVID fatigue.” Or any kind of fatigue to health awareness. We have to be alert to many outlets of information to live day to day, what the world calls “fatigue” is our daily check-ins, emails, texts, alerts. And the facts are this, “COVID fatigued” people are gathering, and the people at high-risk are distancing, missing out, not showing up, or being present, because we are cautioned by our doctors. We have lived like this for years, many of us, our whole lives. This can go from pandemic to endemic if only we pay attention, reduce the risk. And as of this moment, children are at the highest risk of being infected. I value life, especially the life of children, they are our responsibility, and we have failed too many. I may not be seen showing up and physically present during this season. But I can say, with full confidence in my decision, I am vaccinated, boosted x2, I have showed up and I am present in the fight.
Do what you can. While you can. With what you have. There is always something new to learn, so I encourage you search and learn something new! Ask questions! Don’t be fatigued by a virus, because the reality is fatigue is a real chronic diagnosis, and it’s no joke!
