and then it was Spring!

Spring.

Tulips.

Buttercups (what we in the south call daffodils).

Color.

Pink.

Yellow.

Green.

Orange.

Blue.

White.

Easter.

Hope.

Promise.

Children.

Eggs.

Laughter.

Swings.

Slides.

Sand boxes.

Chalk.

What do you think of when you think or hear the word “SPRING?”

The first things that come to mind for me, childhood core memories.

The two metal swing sets we had in our yard. These were the metal swing sets that if you got to swinging a little too high, you started to feel the whole swing set start lifting out of the ground. Anybody remember these? Pretty much the only place that wouldn’t be blazing hot would be the swing seats, everything else you touched with caution. However the temperature of the metal didn’t deter you from playing for hours. It only challenged you to go across the monkey bars faster and dare yourself to hold on as long as you could. The slides were always yellow instead of their original grey metal color, due to the massive amounts of pollen. This also didn’t stop you, you just went sliding right down, cleaning the slide with your bottom, and leaving it to your parents to figure out how to get it out of your clothes later. You knew they didn’t mind, because you were playing, and children who play well always equals dirt.

The treehouse and sandbox underneath, funny how as kids we never thought twice about snakes or animals that could have visited while we were away. The treehouse had paneled siding, a small door, and a small cut out window. And beneath was a sandbox. I remember making my brother go into the treehouse first to check things out, but the sandbox, I didn’t have a care in the world. It was a cool resting place. Where the calming effect of sand being poured through a sand mill, would spin and spin. Or loading a dump truck full of sand, only to send it across the box to watch it dump out in another spot. Or packing the sand into molds shaped into turtles, fish, stars, or seahorses, and flipping them over with hopeful precision and revealing the magic of the sand and mold made.

The beauty of a driveway full of sidewalk chalk. Oh the possibilities! The feeling of chalk on your hands and the mischievous feeling of sneaking up and planting two big high fives on someones back – pure joy of childhood! Hopscotch, tic-tac-toe, hangman (not sure if this one is politically correct anymore), learning letters and numbers, writing names, and priceless drawings that should be in museums according to grandparents worldwide! 😊

The memories are endless.

There is also something that comes with spring and warmer weather that I have a habit of trying to avoid for the comfort of others, and the fact that I just don’t like making it an issue or a point of conversation. However, as I have been writing and sharing, I realized I have been wrong in avoiding this topic, for the sake of myself and others who struggle with the questions. So here it is…

If you find me inside or on the porch, I am perfectly content there. I wasn’t ever meant to be a “typical” kid who want to be outdoors all the time, nor could I be. This never really fazed me, it was reality, I never questioned myself or my parents. I recently was watching a documentary, and they were talking about a little girl, who had said, “they stay inside and glue things,” and how she really liked that. Of course this documentary will stick with me, because I was the kid who would like to stay inside and glue things. (“Still Missing Morgan” Documentary – Highly recommend – It can happen to anyone!)

I’ve always been okay staying at home, staying inside. I rarely have FOMO – fear of missing out. From an early age I accepted my reality. As I’ve gotten older, the moments and memories that involve children, are the hardest and I do grieve the ones that I am unable to be apart of. These rock me to my core. But God is still faithful. And when I give my disappointment, my frustration, my wants to Him, and let go, He has given me other moment memories that I could never have imagined to asked for! So yes, I have major disappointments and times of discouragement and downright frustration, but there is freedom in accepting the reality he has given me – and even more freedom in sharing it!

So here are the bottom line facts: I wasn’t a typical kid because of many reasons, but the main reason: I had chronic illness. I had and I have chronic illness. So I’m not and don’t care to be a typical adult. There are not many chronic illnesses that you grow out of! And actually they are finding hard facts on many of my diagnosis, like asthma- is a lifetime illness, ADHD and Learning disabilities – is a “lifetime diagnosis”, migraines – is a neurological/mental health diagnosis. (I’ll add some links at the end of the post). None of the diagnosis from my childhood have “gone away,” I have only attained more. And you know what? I AM OKAY WITH THAT! That’s God’s plan and story for me. I accept every part of it. Do I do this well everyday? Absolutely not. But is it my hope that I will live my story for His glory? 100%. There is no other way!

Why am I address this? Glad you asked! As a kid, you tend to get pity (which I, personally highly despise- just let us be kids!). You also have your parents who tend to be fierce advocates and people know where they stand. As an adult, people must tend to think that asking questions, assuming your mental health status, judging your physical activity, your coming and going, and amount of items on your social calendar, is suddenly their right to counsel you on. Honestly, I haven’t figured this one out completely, and don’t care to, because I have little energy to kindly answer with integrity. Example of questions: “Why don’t you want to be outside?” “Why do you stay inside so much when everybody else is outside?” “Why do you sit so much on the porch?” These hurt, but also I simple suggest you turn the questions around- “Why does _________ need to be inside?” Consider the reasons. “Why does ________ stay inside when everybody else is outside?” Maybe make a little time to go inside- if this person has real reasons for having to be inside. “Why does ___________ sit on the porch?” Maybe they are trying to get as close to the memories as they can, because they want to capture some of what is happening.

The hurtful thing about these questions, for people with valid chronic illness, is that it’s as if something is really wrong with you, something that others want to fix and move on with. The question is asked a lot, “What’s wrong?” “You sure nothing is wrong?” We could choose the sarcastic route, which I really don’t think you would enjoy. Or maybe you could ask these questions, and determine if this question is actually necessary and/or helpful.

If you asking yourself, “is this person I care about okay?” here is some questions to help clarify if they are functioning (these are basics I have come up with and by no means clinically/medically based)

Have they gotten out of bed in the past 24 hours?
Have they changed into clean clothes within 24 hours?
Have they taken a shower or bath within the last 24-28 hours?
Have they eaten at least 3 times in the last 24 hours?
Have they been involved in conversation in a common space within the home in the last 24 hours?

If you answered yes to all of these, PLEASE congratulate the person you care about! If you answered no to any of these questions, tenderly and carefully help them move toward one thing at a time. Piling on questions will not help.

IT’S SPRING! Swing sets and sandboxes. Sidewalk chalk and tulips! Also Holland has tulips. In my holland, I like to watch these spring days inside or on the front porch. It’s not Italy, where everyone else wants to go. But Holland has tulips and windmills and Rembrandts, and I have come to absolutely love it here!

Welcome to Holland(last paragraph will make sense when you read this 😊: https://www.emilyperlkingsley.com/welcome-to-holland

Documentary: https://www.stillmissingmorgan.com