Household Blueprints
What were (or are) the values, virtues, rules in your home that hold the greatest importance?
I have a love for words, so let me define these three for us.
Values: to rate or scale in usefulness, importance, or general worth. Evaluate. Appreciate. Respect.
Virtue: a commendable quality or trait. Character. Honesty. Integrity. Morality. Righteousness. Decency.
Rules: a prescribed guide for conduct or action. Blueprint. Guideline.
We hear this words used over and over, and honestly I get the meanings confused. Here is how I think of it: If I desire to live a life full of virtues, then this will define what my core values must be, and when my core values are defined, then this influences the rules that I have for myself and anyone who is entrusted to me. Make sense?
These words have often gotten all tangled up and confused and misused in this crazy thing called “life.” I don’t know if you have that same experience, but it seems as if they are getting more misplaced and ever so slightly turning into “fighting words,” “judging,” “I’m right, you are wrong,” taking sides- type words. We have lost sight of what they truly mean and the impact they have on every single household. I ache because values, virtues, and rules are what children need and want. They need boundary lines set. Setting limits, establishing who you are as a family is critical. This core value of the household is crumbling.
But there is hope! Today is a new day! A fresh start!
Today, I would like to share some one-liners, some rules and values that I grew up with, and still stick with today, that also established the virtues I hope to reflect to the world. So here we go… One-Liners first:
- Jesus is #1 and loves you more than you could ever know. He is the Perfect Parent. Jesus is not just a picture on a Sunday School wall. (or as my nephew said this weekend: “a picture in a Sunday School Book.”)
- You do more things right than wrong! – This was said to my brother and I everyday, multiple times a day!
- A lie is a lie- no such thing as a little lie or big lie.
- I will not argue with you. (this one especially came from my mom – I have now inherited this line and attitude)
- Nothing good happens after midnight. (message: don’t be coming in after midnight)
- Take time to pause and listen to the silence.
My parents chose the parenting route of “it’s more about how you treat others and yourself, less about minding your Ps and Qs,” because the Ps and Qs will come when you know how to treat others well. So next I will share some of the parenting that stuck with me through all these years š
- Yelling… not allowed. Only if there is an emergency. No crying WOLF, because if you cry wolf too many times, then when you truly need someone, you are putting yourself at risk.
- Your tone of voice matters. And your tone of voice has an impact on every situation. (Just ask the kids I have kept or my niece and nephew- I heeded this one š)
- Show respect in your actions and words. Period.
- Absolutely NO slamming ANY doors! There is no need and it’s disrespectful. If you feel the need to slam a door, then you are signaling that you need help knowing how to control your body and actions. So your door comes down until you can learn to self-regulate.
- The words hate and stupid are not words that were or will be acceptable, especially when speaking to or about someone. If you are having a rough day, a healthy “I don’t like” session is encouraged and can be done. “I don’t like” is something we would do when we were frustrated or having a rough day. We would take a few minutes and say out loud what we didn’t like at that moment. School, work, food, activities, someone’s behavior/attitude (never the person), weather, etc. And then we would shake it all out!
- If you say, “I’m bored,” the response was always, “There is always something waiting for you to do.” And a job was assigned.
- If you say, “I’m starving,” the response was always, “That is absolutely impossible! No one with the resources we have can possibly be starving!” We were never shamed for not cleaning our plates because there were/are children starving. (which is one of the phrases that irks me “Clean your plate bc children in _________ are starving!” – especially when the adult cannot clean their plate either! This is beside the point, but just FYI) The point was/is to make clear that we were not those children, no where close!
- We did get allowance every week. When chores and other common sense daily expectations were completed. However, it wasn’t a free for all- remember, my Dad was a banker. 10% always tithe. If we wanted to spend some we could, but it was a must that some amount go into our savings accounts every week. And my brother and I went every week to the bank, filled out our deposit slip, and deposited into our accounts. (and of course got a lollipop)
- TRUST it can be earned, and it can easily be broken. When trust is broken, there are consequences, the hardest is regaining that trust.
- Independence was granted when it was age appropriate and responsibility was shown and trust was built. Example: Packing for trips. Being responsible for knowing our medications- name, dosage, what it’s for- and then taking it in front of a parent- so they know you have taken it.
- TV: We just had a few basic rules. 1. TV is not used for background noise- music or the radio can be used for that. 2. TV can be a family time activity. 3. The TV should not be on when company comes over, unless that’s why they came over. 4. No TV before going to church on Sundays – Nascar came on after church š 5. No TV when you stay out of school and activities sick. Only home videos and sometimes Blockbuster rentals š
Respect. Integrity. Compassion. Empathy. Considerate. Honest. Virtue. Values. Life. Family. Trustworthy. Responsible. Encourage. Think. Appreciate. Invest. Just a few of the values that form our rules and virtues.
I encourage you to think back on your childhood, what were core values, rules, and virtues that were important? How did these things make you who you are today? What do you bring to your household from your upbringing? Do your children know their boundaries? Can they feel and know how much you love them by the rules and values you set? I hope with all my heart that they do, and that the world that surrounds you will see the difference, and ask why!!! Press on, my friends, press on!!!
Life Book of the Week: Parenting with Love and Logic, by Jim Fay and Foster Cline
Also check out their website:
