Self-Love: Has It Gone Too Far?

Sologamy or Self-marriage: “the act of symbolic expression of self-love and an affirmation of deep, meaningful relationship with one’s self.”

Yep. Let this one soak in. Okay, I’m fired up! I have been trying to talk myself down since reading this news story, but I just can’t let this one go. To be clear, I am not casting any judgement, nor do I have the slightest clue what life is like for the women in this story. However, I am a single woman in my 30s and this story bothers me for many reasons.

A little more about this new concept: most of these women are have complete wedding ceremonies- flowers, bridesmaids, receptions, the ring, for themselves! They make it clear that this “marriage” is not them shutting the door to future relationships, and possible marriage, because this is, of course, not a legal commitment. All it will take is removing their now “self-married” ring and placing it on their right hand.

In this article, this concept of self-marriage is referred to as “healthy narcissism.” Is this possible? I will let you make that judgement. Another quote, which is what is the most disturbing to me, as a follower of Jesus, that I must pay attention to!

(I will link story at end of post)

“What stands out for me about this trend is that more and more people are realizing that they need to take responsibility for their own happiness – that they can have a satisfying, meaningful life without being in a partnership.” – John Amodeo, therapist and author

Two big problems with this statement:

1. “Need to take responsibility for their on happiness.” Yes, we have the responsibility for our attitude and emotions. But happiness is an emotion and is temporary, not longterm. Happiness can be a good thing, a source to bless others or it can be a distraction, it can create false hope. Happiness is most definitely a responsibility, one that I believe requires a Wonderful Counselor to help guide you through.
2. “They can have a satisfying, meaningful life without being in a partnership.” What have we been modeling for our children? That you must be in a relationship to have a satisfying and meaningful life? How exhausting! We have made the “progression,” the “next step” lifestyle too common. It’s ingrained in our minds, our culture, our world. It goes a little something like this: you are born – you go to school PK-12 – go to college – get a job – get married – have kids – send them off to school and college – retire – have grandchildren. This is not okay! Because if this is what expected of every person, then what in the world are people like me to do in this world?!?! This is honestly a destructive way of thinking. Not only are women marrying themselves, but we are forgetting and neglecting to educate and mentor our children. We are so over focused on our “partnership” making us happy, that we are not available for our children.

This news story, honestly makes me mad because of the picture it paints of single women. As a single woman, I am responsible for the message I pass on to future generations today. Honestly, being single at 35 years old isn’t easy in our culture. Everybody has a solution, new dating apps, suggestion after suggestion. Let me share a little bit of my childhood dreams. Then I’ll share some of what I’ve struggled with and I believe is only getting worse in the relationship world, and how we can help.

I was the little girl who dreamed of her wedding. I bought wedding magazines, cut out dresses, flowers, and planned the whole thing! My dream was to be a stay-at-home mommy. Nothing ever crossed my mind that this couldn’t be! As I started keeping children, I even had the idea that they would be my “wedding party!” (Now I am going to THEIR weddings!) This obviously didn’t happen. Some would say my standards were too high. I don’t really think so, I really only expected them to pursue me, love Jesus, and no dates to Cracker Barrel. 😂 (too long of a story for today, but bad experience – people who know me, know I can’t even talk about this restaurant!)

Of course when I began the process of adoption, some were concerned about my relationship status, and that this could possibly make guys run. But if they didn’t like me with a baby, then they were not meant for me! I was certain I was following God’s lead!

Being single is not where I dreamed or thought I would be at my age, but it is and I am content. I also couldn’t have predicted becoming a Mommy and watching Jesus carrying her home, all within six months either. God makes known the paths of those who follow his voice. He shows me what true love is. He has taught me to love who I am in Him. As a result, I am able to love others. But only when I am living in who He has created me to be. That is the ONLY love that brings happiness! No partnership will ever match this!

There are some assumptions made about single people that are just not okay. And then there are some basic core values and general truths that have gone by the wayside that trouble me in many ways. Warning: I am about to be brutally honest!

• The assumption that we are single because we lack interest or never wanted to be married, this is hurtful. Yes, some single people may have made this decision, but don’t assume. I have found that there is a huge lack of examples of pure and right pursuing of relationships. Rather there is a push for just taking the next step in the stages of life.
• Or the opposite assumption is made: we want help. So everybody has the perfect suggestion, when honestly, speaking for myself, when I was younger I just wanted to be pursued. Now, I’m just fine with being me. I’m not closing the door but God has me in a place of contentment and I am ok with that.
• Culture is out of control. The “average American” has been active with 7 partners. This is just average. Do you understand the consequences of this, short term and long term? Not only for the people in the relationship, but for future generations?
• Where are we hearing the truth? Where is the truth being taught? Values, Morals, Respect, do these even exist anymore? In our homes? In our churches? In our communities?
• I’m concerned about the abundance of issues we are compromising on, have we become blind to or accepted these things as the new normal? When did these things become acceptable/non-confrontational? (Not judging! Just making observations!)

My hope for today’s post is that you are thinking about what your message is to our world, culture, and especially future generations. What is happiness to you? Do you find your meaning and purpose in your partner? What are your core values and the truths that you will not compromise? Will you speak up? Will you be an example and make changes? In a world full of mixed messages, our children need clear and confident leaders. I believe in you!

Picture today: Mother’s Love Ring gifted to me by my parents after Lucy arrived. I wear it on my left hand ring finger, because on this side of heaven I am her Mommy. And my role as her Mommy now is to continue her story while giving all the glory to God for her life! We became a family the moment I held her- and that’s my commitment for life.

Life Book of the Week: Abba’s Child, by Brennan Manning

https://www.cnn.com/2023/05/28/us/sologamy-self-marriage-women-cec