Standing Still

Do you ever feel like life is speeding past you, but you are at a stand still? It could be because of circumstances, brain fog, overstimulated, over scheduled, grief, happiness, choices to be made, creating moment memories, sickness – whatever life is throwing at you at the time, you simply are in a zone, time is standing still while the lives around you continue on.

Sometimes when you are in the hard moments, you feel as if you are hanging by a thread. Sometimes in the good moments, you feel as if you never want to let go of the very moment you’re in.

Lately I have been bouncing between the two, which seems rather odd. But let me explain.

This summer has been filled with a lot of reminiscing the years I kept children, who know are adults and are graduating, getting jobs, moving in all different directions. I am incredibly grateful that I have been able to watch them grow and continue to grow. The moments I have had with them and their families have been moments I want to sit and stay a while in, these moments remind me that God is very very good. And that Lucy is never forgotten. Lightheartedness is possible. And the community I have is immeasurable.

Also this summer, I have had really wonderful memories with my niece and nephew. My nephew and I love perler beads, or “melty” beads as my brother calls them. In one weekend he made at least 30! The joy that fills my heart when I hear, “NaNa, I have another one for you!” Which means it’s time to iron 😊 And no one else is allowed to iron his creations- his rule. And the shopping sprees to Dollar General and CVS with my niece, priceless. Well, the memories are priceless 😂. We can do some damage! We had the best time filling a cooler full of snacks for her to take to camp, which I think were eaten in the first 24 hours!

Another thing I have been working on this past month is backing up all our pictures – slides, picture cds, any form of pictures that I can make digital, are being backed up to my computer. Now I would be lying if I said that I had done this without shedding tears, I’ve let out A LOT of tears – happy, sad, and all the in between. Time flies, stands still, slows, really time is mind blowing to me- not sure if it’s a friend or foe.

Looking back on all the pictures, I am reminded of how many children I have had in my life, I am beyond blessed! I am grateful for the days of so many littles that surrounded me. This season of my life gave me so much life and I learned amazing lessons from these littles that I still carry with me today! But they are supposed to grow up – and as I said earlier, I am grateful to be able to watch them grow!

I have been given a huge gift of being able to be close to my niece and nephew and cousins’ families. Watch them grow, have memories with them, and be in their lives. And they were and are an enormous piece of mine and Lucy’s story. I couldn’t have done it without their support!

All of these things this summer I’ve lost myself in the moments, I’ve wanted to stay in these moments forever. And I’ve lingered longer maybe more than what the world would define as normal, but I’ve never had the goal to be “normal.” And the reason I’ve given myself permission to sit in the moments a little longer is that I know just how much of a treasure they are. With each day that goes by, I’ve survived another day without my little girl here on earth with me.

And this is when the world’s spinning starts to feel as if I am hanging on by a thread. And here’s why:

When you have been around children, you learn perspective from their eyes. I personally think it’s the best and most balanced – it’s not manipulated by the world’s views and not conformed to peers influences – it’s to the point and it is what it is. I tend to find myself craving to have the soul of a child. The soul of a child – feels all the feels, hesitation is rarely a thought, play is a must, laughter is natural and uncontrollable, compassion is an instinct, running into the arms of loved ones is never questionable, guilt is unbearable, say what you mean and mean what you say. (side note: we are all human, which makes us all sinners- sin messes up everything – but I am going to believe that you can follow me on this)

At what point in life do we lose sight of our inner childlike soul?

Since Lucy ran ahead the world outside my door hasn’t slowed down at all, it only spins faster every day. Most days I feel as if I am hanging on by a thread- but I am hanging on! I’ve realized how fast-paced, cluttered, constantly on go most of the world is, not all but the majority. Some days I feel like I am the crazy one, some days I am sick at how fast and crazy busy it is out there.

I have definitely slowed my pace because it has been needful. The hardest thing about this season of life for me is people misunderstanding my decision to take the slower-pace life. One thing that is difficult is that you can’t see any of my medical struggles – and I’m not going to greet you and list them out to you. So when someone has just one of my diagnosis and they are “active” and busy – I tend to be hard on myself. Let me just give you an “inside my head” look at what makes me feel crazy/feeling of misunderstanding: Migraine medicine commercials- HATE them, do you know why? They get celebrities to do their commercials- I don’t doubt that they have migraines – BUT my reality is if I took one rescue pill and then went on to play tennis or do a concert with crazy lights and loud sounds… well, you wouldn’t come back to see me that’s for sure – it would be a very messy scene. I am happy for these people that they can just take a rescue med and be all better, but for most people who have migraines they are on multiple medications or supplements. (Also, I hate all medicine commercials – I literally could argue to make this illegal all day – but that’s for another day. They are in no way helpful!!)

The fact is I have taken on a slower paced life because HE has led me to this season. I have a ongoing medically complicated combination of diagnosis, I have a little girl who ran ahead to Jesus’ arms, I am clinging daily and asking daily for His will, not mine. And that when I say I am hanging by a thread while the world spins around me, I am really saying, I have never been at a place of more peace and hope than now – and I also have never been so broken hearted and desperate for Jesus. I find great peace in being desperate for Jesus, the only One who can provide hope to a broken heart! I deeply desire to find my childlike soul and run into His arms daily!

Today, I encourage you to embrace a moment or two and sit in them, don’t let the crazy world influence these moments. And if life feels like it’s overtaking you, maybe take the time to slow your pace, examine what is absolutely needful and what can be taken off your calendar.

Recently I purchased a sticker that reminds me everyday of something very important: “When you’re hanging on by just a thread, make sure it’s by the hem of His garment.” (Link below)

Life Book of the Week: Spaghetti in a Hot Dog Bun: Having the Courage to Be Who You Are, by Maria Dismondy