Choosing to See

“Raise me again to health with a heightened sense of thankfulness for the unmerited gift of well-being…” Every Moment Holy, “Liturgy for a Sick Day”

Every morning I receive a “Liturgy of the Day” from the Every Moment Holy App on my phone. The above liturgy came this morning. I woke up with a migraine – I believe in God’s Faithfulness. You can make your own judgements, but I stand by my belief.

A couple weeks ago I took a much needed “brain pause.” A few things led to this pause: summer weather rubbing me wrong- not my greatest health season- which makes life challenging at times, longing for Lucy to be beside me and wondering what her school supplies would look like 😊, and just the day to day life ups and downs.

The same day I took a pause, I also had my annual eye exam. I started having a rapid decline in my vision starting in second grade. By the time I was in high school it had pretty much settled but its came with its challenges. My parents always made it a priority that I have the correct lenses and quality frames that make me feel confident. So it’s kind of always been my signature personality attire 😊 Even when there were very little choices in the 1990s! Still to this day, they make sure I take care of my eyes and have the right lenses and frames 😊 Very grateful – because why do they not offer adult eye insurance?!? If you have issues as a child, shouldn’t you automatically be offered insurance as an adult? (sorry- just a little rant)

Anyways, I don’t know about you but whenever I have been to the doctor or a specialist lately, it feels like something is added to the list of concerns. Sometimes is something little that is easy, and then sometimes it something that just feels like, “really? Could I just have one appointment where something isn’t added to be aware of?” I’m just being honest! I cannot tell you have over the moon grateful for every one of my doctors and nurses, it’s not them, it’s my body and they are just doing their job!

The conclusion of this eye visit was that my chance of retina detachment in my left eye is the same as last year, and I gained a wrinkle on my left eye. Things that my doctor will watch and I just need to be aware of flashes of light. It’s nothing they haven’t seen before, nothing incredibly alarming. I am just young to have a wrinkle – if I had a quarter for every time someone started a sentence with “you are just…” It can all be fixed with a simple surgery when it’s time. However, surgery is never simple for someone who has any type of blood disorder – in my case, this means platelet infusions have to be given before any surgery can happen. If it’s not one thing, it’s another, or the whole shebang!

While my eyes were dilating, my mom and I decided to count how many waiting rooms we have sat in over the years of my care at Duke. Pulmonary, Gastroenterology, Neurology, Hematology, Urology, OBGYN, Ophthalmology, Dermatology, Primary Care. We counted up to thirty and decided to stop. That’s just my care. This doesn’t include my brother, my mom, my dad, my grandparents, Lucy-we had to follow up with a cardiology after arriving home.

This is a lot of waiting. Many places. Ample opportunities to get frustrated. Becomes tiring at times. And yes, can cause you to really want to be negative.

HOWEVER, you must take the urge to be negative and turn it around. I am not saying you have to be bubbly and skipping to your appointments. Although skipping sometimes doesn’t hurt. I remember my mom and I doing this when the children’s clinics were in the basement and we needed to be lighthearted 😊 What I am suggesting is this, look around, observe, put your phone up, listen, there are many lessons to learn in waiting rooms- not all have to be life-changing. Some may be suggestions for a good place to eat! Some may give you questions to ask your doctor that you haven’t thought to ask. Some may give you perspective on waiting, or being tired. Some may teach you that the reality outside of yourself is multiple appointments a day, or even a day ending with a hospital stay.

The game of “how many waiting rooms” that my mom and I played, was one of gratitude, not of negativity. It is my testimony. It is her testimony. It is a clear picture of God’s faithfulness, past, present, and future. It is the question I struggle to answer, “Why me? What made God put me in North Carolina, less than an hour away from Duke?” I am thankful. For 35 years, I have watched cars go to and from the parking garages – Virginia, Washington, Tennessee, Georgia, Michigan… We have had conversations with people from all of the US, Canada, and across the world!

It is also why, on days like this, I am abundantly thankful! Even in the midst of new challenges to face. Even with the daily chronic ailments. Even when the pain is so intense. Even when the weather is not on my side. I know Who is orchestrating it all. I know He placed me where I am supposed to be. I know without a doubt that He provides what’s needed when it is needed. And when the facts of life get to big and the anxiety starts to rise, I know who brings the calm, the ONLY One. Because when I breathe in and breathe out and say his name, “Jesus,” the anxiety slowly decreases until my heart is back to a steady rhythm and my mind is at peace. Try that with another name, it doesn’t work, because His name is FULL of power!

If you haven’t gathered already, from above, that health ailments tend to cause anxiety for me. When it is someone else, I can calmly handle things. When its myself, I tend to feel like I am losing control. Migraines being a big trigger. When they go on for more than a day and nothing seems to be working, I start to fear that the pain will never go away. Is this reasonable? Absolutely not. But when you are in pain, it’s hard to think reasonably. The other ailment that I do not like is “spilling my mouth” (as my niece would say when she was little) aka throwing up. I get very anxious when I feel like I have too and of course even more so when I do. This things tend to land me in the hospital, which when I am the patient, I do not like. Again, I can handle caring for someone in any of these situations. When you love kids, you tend to have multiple children spill their mouths on you!

Anxiety is real. Fear of the unknown is real. Panic is real. Brain fog is real. Need for brain pauses are real.

If you take away anything from my writing today, take this: Only JESUS. Only He can calm the waves of your heart and mind and soul. No ifs, ands, or buts. Choose to see what He has done, is doing, and will do.

Life Book of the Week: The Doctor With an Eye for Eyes: The Story of Patricia Bath, by Julia Finley Mosca

The picture today reminds me of the buttercups (what we call them in the south) AKA Daffodils, that would pop up every year in our field at my childhood home. At one time we had a flower bed of lots of different flowers, until the deer became very interested in them and we dug up everything and dumped it in our field. However, there were these buttercups that were persistent every year to bloom. It reminds me that no matter the chaos around me, there is always something to see that remains hopeful, if only I slow down and take time to observe.