Heart and Mind
What is your thoughts on comments like these: “Kids will be kids.” “They are just in the terrible twos phase.” “He/She is quite the handful.” “You have your hands full!”
My thoughts, can you guess? I’m not a fan.
Indeed, I am the first to advocate for kids to be kids! Let them play! Good golly, adults need to chill and join in playing more often. However, this comment is very rarely ever used for this reason. Instead it’s used as an excuse for inappropriate behavior. So is the terrible twos, and all the age related undercutting comments about tweens, teens, and all in between.
The latter two comments are usually made by other people on the outside looking in. I have had the privilege and honor to see many responses to these two belittling comments. The “handful” they are talking about, on most occasions, stops in his/her tracks and hangs their head for a few minutes, because he/she knows what a “handful” means. The thing is what the world sees as a “handful” is something he/she cannot control (most of the time), and so after being scorned by a stranger, the brain starts firing again and he/she begins doing whatever he/she was doing before the comment. While the adult comments I have witnesses have been on positive notes, like, “We wouldn’t have it any other way.” “Blessed beyond measure.” “Some people don’t have a chance to.” This child and adult are left with a mark, and every time someone repeats this comment, the mark goes deeper and deeper. Same with “you have your hands full.” New flash: Most adults that have many kids, or kids with big personalities already know their situation and are choosing to do and be exactly where they are- they don’t need you to be up in their business. They need to be applauded. They are putting in the work that many are afraid of putting in to the future right now. It’s an uncertain chaotic world out there. Try saying, “You’ve got heart! Well done, Mom. Well done, Dad. Well done, caregiver.”
You may be thinking, “Okay, but why write a whole thing on these comments?” To which I say, “I’m sick and tired of children, teens, young adults being underestimated and belittled, and then in the next sentence be ripped apart for not being ‘responsible’ or ‘being disrespectful.'” If we continually set the bar so low- make excuses – never set expectations, then we absolutely have no right to hold them responsible for being the adults we need them to be.
In The Irreducible Needs of Children, by T. Berry Brazelton and Stanley Greenspan, they identify Seven Needs of Infants and Children: 1. Nurturing Relationships. 2. Physical Protection, Safety, and Regulation. 3. Experiences Tailored to Individual Experiences. 4. Developmental Appropriate Experiences 5. Limit Setting, Structure, and Expectations. 6. Stable, Supportive Communities and Cultural Communities. 7. Protecting the Future. (Highly recommend this book to anyone who is in the child care field, or is interested in child development! Also, Dr. Brazelton’s series “Touchpoints” are top-notch for age specific expectations, and also things like potty training, etc. Link Below.)
To secure the seventh need, the previous six needs have to be solid. One and two start at the moment a baby is born, bonding, attending to hunger, diapers, sleep, etc. As they grow we allow them to experience things that will allow them to develop their thoughts and beliefs and interests in the world around them. The Limits, structure, and expectations can start at birth also- bedtime routines, how long they will cry until you come and pick them up, and then these expand into where they are allowed to crawl, walk, play. As they get older, you establish a community that will look out for your child and you will look out for theirs. This community will most likely have very common expectations of their children as you do for yours.
I’m not a big fan of the parenting categories either: helicopter, lawn mower, gentle, free range, strict, discipline. All just seem extreme, but I do know some parents decide on one way and really stick with it. I know that there are a lot of thoughts about each generation’s parenting and about the children of each generation. We have all been stereotyped, unfortunately. But here is the bottom line: how will our 18, 19, 20 year olds know what the expectations are for them, if we don’t begin now? If we make the excuse, “boys will be boys” at 5 years old, something has got to happen between 5 and 18.
There are many “happenings” that have triggered this post today. So the following is simply an example, and honestly, it breaks my heart that leadership is not using this opportunity to meet with these young adults to help them learn and understand the inappropriateness of what was done and how they need to take responsibility, not make excuses. But unfortunately the leaders are making the excuses, which seems to be signaling to the younger generation that they can just make them too. This is one group, but it’s happening in all parties, in every state, in every community, we all have to help raise the upcoming generations. How can we do this? We can first start on our knees! Then, watching our mouths, what we say, how we say it, and who we say it to and around. How we act, react, and don’t act. Silence can speak up just as much as words. Both are needful. What we post. Unfortunately, we have a President who likes to post dumping poo on his country, so the responsibility of raising leaders are on our shoulders now more than ever!
https://www.politico.com/news/2025/10/14/private-chat-among-young-gop-club-members-00592146
We can do this! Our children and young adults don’t need excuses made for them! They just need a little guidance, few limits, and a bar set of healthy expectations and boundaries. And always their input should be considered.
Life Book of the Week: The Polio Pioneer: Dr. Jonas Salk and the Polio Vaccine, by Linda Elovitz Marshall. Dr. Salk, was a child of immigrants, who saw the devastation at the end of WWII and was determined to make the world a better place. And that he did and so much more!
Brazelton’s Books:
