What’s in a Year?

First, allow me to tell you what is happening in the picture above: headed to 1st soccer practice and final soccer practice. (wasn’t impressed with the cleats) Paci stayed with me until I was around 5 years old, and no I have no shame about it, and neither did I then. Everywhere I went I either had a pocketbook or a baby and diaper bag. Not much has changed 😂 I will be the elderly lady with a baby doll and pocketbook for sure when I am older, just in case you ever need to send out a silver alert 😊

New years is “upon us,” which I find to be weird statement as I type. But what makes a year, a year? 365 days? Goals met or broken? A deep breath? A sense of renewal? This life on earth is quite unique to each person. I can’t quite remember what I would have considered a year before going to school, but while in school a year would be more of August to May, with time to semi-breathe in June and July. I remember when this was no longer what a “year” consisted of, and the crazy out of body feeling that seemed like the world was out of control.

Well, those days are long gone, except for keeping up with my niece and nephew 😊. The past few months I have really been thinking and reflecting on what I have written and what I have been able to slow down and work through. And I have come to find out many things about myself, that I haven’t been able to put into words before. One of those things is that the life that God has given me, he has blessed me with the knowledge that I can do the moments, and then He will inform my next step. Knowing this from a young age, I always knew looking or planning too far into the future was and is not reality and it’s not what he asks of me. So what is a year to me? The world “year” tends to be overwhelming. But the moments that make up a year, He makes those happen.

As I wrote last week, change is not my favorite thing, but it is essential and necessary for growth. When I began to reflect on the moments, of which I have to refer to my writings, of this past year, I realized that until this past year life hasn’t really stopped spinning for me to digest and truly grieve what is gone. 

It may seem silly what I am about to write. Especially in the culture we live in now, where no one really stays in the same place, let alone the same house for too long. The toughest decision by far was the decision of moving and selling my childhood home and area around it. (This CANNOT be compared to all the decisions with my girl Lucy that were extremely tough in the end- however, God was faithful to quickly guide me in the actions and plans needed for her care. Please do not compare or judge.) Let me make this clear though, I am stating this was hard, not wrong. The maintenance and the amount of house was eventually going to be too much for us. With Lucy no longer physically with me, I had to reevaluate the heaviness this put on my parents, and look at what was reasonable. 

So downsizing and moving to a new home was essential and necessary changes for the good of everyone. However, this is a rough timeline of all the conversation and actual moving…

2017: We had started thinking, but adoption home-study wise, this would be bizarre, if you know home-studies, you know what I mean. 

2018: Lucy arrived and I would cry if the subject was brought up. 

2019: I still would cry when the subject was brought up, but by the end of the year I knew something had to be different. The fact that I had brought Lucy into the home I wanted to raise her in, it will always be where we were together. The thought of leaving, felt as if I was leaving her, and still does.

2020: House sold within two months. Moved to our lake house. COVID hit. September we moved into our new house.

2021: COVID was still rampant. And the questions start to flow: How will I ever figure out how to run a business in my bedroom and have craft supplies for stress relief AND how will I ever fit all the books in the library! And where do the toys go?!?!? 

2022: Indeed! Shop stock sold. Started blog, which was the last thing I thought I would be doing.😂 Geez we did move! And the questions start to pour! How will I ever narrow down the children’s books? And where did I put that? Why are there so many piles? How many organizing systems will I drown in before one works? This is closing in on me! I want to feel Lucy’s presence in me and with me, but how? Where am I? Who am I? I know WHOSE I am, but Jesus, you have to help me with the where and who! 

I started by just writing down…

I am a ragamuffin, in need of a MIGHTY Savior!

Jesus is my Hope

Mommy to Lucy and Advocate for her life, health, and her memory

A lifelong, full-time daily multiple chronic illness manager, A.K.A. Medical Bundle of Chaos

Daughter

Sister & Sister-in-Law

Aunt

Cousin

Niece

Friend

Entrepreneur, Indeed! LLC owner

Advocate for all life, especially the lives of littles

Blessed to have known and kept many children

Lover of history

Lover of children’s books/toys/anything that involves littles 

Survived tornados, hurricanes, arson fire, and who knows how many other disasters

Seen and experienced Medical “never happens”

Seen many run ahead, from tiny babies to the elderly

Longing to see Jesus face-to-face but until then crying Jesus I need You!

All at the ripe age of 35. 

This is just some of what I began to list. A few of these things/situations have always been places of loneliness. A few are places of loneliness simply because as a culture we are told to “not talk about,” or “you may upset them.” A few places are lonely simple because “that just doesn’t happen to us,” or “shouldn’t happen to anyone who is so young.” Good news, I am okay with being lonely in these places. I’m not supposed to “fit in” anywhere else! Out of my loneliness and pain, comes my ministry. And not talking about something that may upset me, or believing something doesn’t happen to you, because you are you, or something shouldn’t happen to someone because of their age, these are all false and harmful thoughts and remarks.

I have found a safe, sacred loneliness, something that the world cannot fill or fix. And in it I have found clarity, calm, and an abundance of hope. I have found a profound comfort in the moments that were captured in writing, pictures, and video of my time with Lucy. My heart, mind, and soul are eager to see what is next. Moment by moment. Day by Day. He knows that we will have good days and hard days. He did too!

What is in a year? I believe we all get to define this for ourselves. For me, I choose the moments. But most importantly, we must daily follow and trust the One that knows what the next moment holds.

And the picture today, such a brief moment, yet such a huge piece of my story that has forever been my deepest desire, to be a mommy. 5 seconds. 5 minutes. 7 months. Every. Single. Moment. Matters.

Life Book of the Week: Christmas is Always, by Dale Rogers