Come Unto Me and Rest
I missed writing last week, but I’m back and have a story to share.
If you are familiar with anxiety and/or panic attacks, then you will most likely be all too familiar with the story I am about to tell. If you are not, either personally or have witnessed someone close to you, then let this be a learning post.
Let me set the scene: I am sitting at a restaurant with my family, which rarely happens these days due to getting used to take out. I am overjoyed that my mom, dad, brother, sister in law, niece and nephew are all at one table and sharing a meal. It’s harder to get together since my niece and nephew are getting older and are more active. So I simply was in the moment.
A couple of days before was the original time we were supposed to have dinner, but my dad had gone to his cataract consultation and it had taken longer than we had expected, and he didn’t get out until much later. Right before my mom and dad left for this appointment my mom got a call from her doctor, who relayed a message of results of some labs she just had. Her health lately, the doctors have been having a hard time putting their finger on what’s going on, so lots of results and information to navigate and appointments to juggle.
Back to the dinner table. The bread comes. Then our meals come. Everybody is enjoying their food. I am slurping up spaghetti and attempting not to get it on my favorite shirt with a bunny on it, and all the sudden, pain! What feels like a cramp on the backside of my thigh, I freeze. My dad, my mom, my brother all see me and know I am in pain, but I can’t verbally say what’s wrong at first. Then I begin to say, “Cramp… right thigh… don’t.. get.. cramps.. there..” I stand up hoping I can get relief, only gets worse and I start sweating- shirt drenching sweat. Thankfully the bathroom was not far off. I grabbed my phone, which I had put up and out of sight, wanting to be fully engaged in conversation. And I make my way to the bathroom. I get a paper towel wet and try leaning against the wall. It’s HOT in there. And so I start to think what is happening? Have I not had enough water today? Am I dehydrated? Did I eat something? I start OVERTHINKING and start to believe I am going to get sick, which makes me more anxious. The whole room starts spinning. I can’t seem to put two thoughts together. I finally crouch down (bc I am not about to sit on the floor of the bathroom!) and hug myself. I start saying, “Jesus show me. Jesus, what’s happening?” Oh, I am not breathing normal. All the events I have bottled up in my body, are now wreaking havoc in this restaurant. So I start breathing, inhale, exhale “Jesus”, inhale, exhale “Jesus.” But I am so HOT and drenched in sweat. I texted my mom, “I need you.” I am able to go to the door and see my brother, who immediately knows what I need. My mom comes and holds my hand and we breathe “Jesus.” Slowly, my breathing is back to normal. I am able to walk and see straight enough to get back to the table. Only my brother and dad are left at the table, so my first question was where did everybody else go? (I may have started to panic again a bit) They had just walked outside. So I breathed deep for a few minutes. Told my brother what I had thought had happened and was real with him about all the appointments and phone calls.
When I see my niece and nephew, something in me calms completely. Peace, I cannot explain. But I know it has to be Jesus.
I am sharing this for a few reasons: 1. This is why I was missing in action last week. 2. Anxiety and Panic are real. Really real! And sometimes you can feel it building. Sometimes you keep suppressing it until your body says, “you’re kidding me, right?” Sometimes you can predict what will make you anxious. I personally have experience all those situations. 3. These attacks take on real physical ailments- pain, hyperventilating, sweating, chills. Again VERY REAL. 4. They don’t just happen and then they are over. I was physically sore for days. I was mentally and emotionally thrown off for the rest of the week. And I am completely fine with saying this. Because it is real. As real as if I had an asthma attack. Or a Kidney stone. Or excessive bleeding that wouldn’t clot. And it is as serious as any of these things too!
I share this also because I saw my niece’s face when I ran to the bathroom- when she was little and I would have to lay down with a migraine she would come lay beside me and say, “You alright, NaNa?” “I bring you some tea and crackers.” “I bring you ice packs.” She has experienced me being in pain and not well. But my prayer is that she will always remember that we as humans are not strong in our own strength, Our God is Strong and Mighty and there is nothing HE cannot do! I want her and her brother to remember me saying the name of Jesus in these moments of pain and anxiety and grief. I also want them to know, and you who are reading, that when you are actively surrendering the real stuff to Him, He WILL meet you there, not remove it, but meet you in it!
Life Book of the Week: The Rabbit Who Listened, by Cori Doerrfeld
