Did you say “nOrMaL?”

My heart is shattered. There are families weeping and aching because there are empty beds, empty seats at their table, less laughter in their home this week. As one dad said it so well, “she always brushed her teeth.” These tiny details, the details that we seem to nag kids about, these are cut off/no existent for these parents. This is grief.

I don’t know much, but this much I do know… the loss of a child is different. I’ve known loss, from when I was 4 years old-ish to now. When I was four, it was my friend who was only a year younger than me at the time, he passed in a helicopter crash. I’ve personally lost friends to cancer, mental health, age, accidents, and so many other things. And all of these people matter so much to me!

BUT Lucy was mine. Everything I had done for 5+ years, I did in preparation for her. This is what you do as a parent. Even though I didn’t carry her for 9 months in my belly, my life was dedicated to bonding with her the moment we met. And we definitely did! 🙂

The picture above is literally how close we slept every night, and almost every nap time! (Sometimes Swingie- my mom – would take her for a nap😊)

So, today, I feel the need to point out that there is very little that falls into the category of “right things to say,” when someone has lost a child(I will share these one day, be silence/sitting with those who are grieving is really the best gift!).

So I want to share one of the comments I have heard over the past several days that I am just going to very honest, and say, this one burns deep and this why…

• “It’s just a New Normal.” “Just getting used to a New Normal.”

There is nothing normal about the absence of a child.

There are milestones, birthdays, celebrations, everyday routine things that you lose completely.

Crawling, Walking, Running, Skipping, Dancing, loss

Birthdays, parties, friends birthdays, no more

Your hopes and dreams for them, they don’t disappear, they linger.

Your world completely comes to a halt.

No more bottles.

No more little laundry.

Toys disappear.

Baby bath disappear.

Child locks gone.

Diapers no more.

Crying, laughter, chatter from you child, gone, just silence.

You cling to anything that belongs to them.

I wake up every morning, and have to remind myself: Lucy WAS here. I am not crazy. She is safe, but no longer in my bed beside me. I can get up only by the grace of God, and face whatever He has for me today. And He will sustain me until it is time to return to bed and remind myself again. Somedays I get up and eat and that’s all He asks. And somedays He has more for me. But I trust in Him to guide me.

At night, I climb in bed, and have to remind myself: Lucy WAS here. I am not crazy. She is safe, but is no longer beside me in bed. There will be no paci noises, no need to sing and rock her to sleep, no need for her to be tucked in just right. No falling asleep with our foreheads together, no eyelashes tickling my face until she falls asleep. Sometimes to get to sleep, I takes crying and lots deep breaths.

And then there is always the anxious nights that you wake up thinking someone has taken your child! Never ever ever a good feeling!

When your child is alive, you hear their name constantly. Right after the news comes of their passing, you hear it, because people are sending condolences. But then you start to believe, “maybe I am crazy! Did I imagine her? Does anybody remember?” Because you don’t hear their name at all!

NOTHING about losing a child is NORMAL!

So the wisdom I give anyone reading is this:

1. Delete this phrase from you vocabulary. You can’t determine somebody else’s “normal” anyways.

2. Say their name!!! Text it! Just make it known that you remember!!

3. Include these parents in celebrations! Especially, when they would have definitely been included before they lost their child! Ones for babies, children, graduations, etc.

4. If you want to go the extra mile, make note of their child’s birthday or the day the Jesus scooped up their child! And pray for them on these days!

My heart is shattered, beyond broken for many families. I pray the families we see on the news, the parents and family of the Elementary students in Texas, and parents and family of the man responsible for these losses, will know God’s grace, mercy, and love! And accept His peace and comfort, that is beyond more than we could ask or imagine! It’s a soul changing, life changing, Eternity-Altering acceptance!