Celebrate? Now? How?

As I walked back into our house, into complete silence, I wept and couldn’t catch my breath. I just remember thinking, “when will I be able to come back up for air? This hurts so bad!” As I crawled into the bed that I now couldn’t remember her not being beside me in, I wrapped myself in every blanket that was hers and cried and breathed, “Jesus, Jesus, Jesus!” A deep breath in and breath out, Jesus. Repeated until my heart rate was somewhat normal. Although my head felt as if it was going to explode. I would be lying if I said this was a one time thing. The “when will I be able to come back up for air?” episodes still happen. They happened multiple times a day for a long time, and then you find what triggers these moments, because they still happen just not as often, and you find your ways to cope. A few of my ways to cope are weighted blanket, her lovies or swaddle, clinging cross and crying Jesus! It hurts just as much as it did that night, it’s still as devastating, it’s just I have learned what works for my grief, so I can more easily put a smile on and grit my teeth, and then slip away and let it out, and then be back to smiling and gritting my teeth again.

Mad. Numb. Frustrated. Exhausted. Sore. Achy. Felt sick. Didn’t want to move. No appetite. Had no energy to even get in the bath tub, and if you know me, that’s rock bottom. Yes, my heart wondered why Lucy, why me, why now, why, why, why. Yet, I knew the truth, I believe in His timing, I trusted He would pull me through, and I knew He knew exactly what this grief was like, even to a different degree, God sent His Only Son to earth as a baby, ultimately to die a criminals death for me and Lucy, and the whole world. Because He did that, her soul was with Him and one day we would see each other again. And since I believe that, I knew I must celebrate her LIFE in some way. But it was going to take time.

The days that followed Jesus scooping her up, friends came to visit, cousins painted my fingernails 😊 My niece and nephew came to stay for a couple of days. We of course made art ☺️ And I asked them what do you think we should do to celebrate Lucy’s Life? And it was kind of like a “Duh NaNa” moment, they said, “we should make crafts!” Of course! It just makes sense, as a babysitter, aunt/NaNa, as Cousin Anna, as a Mommy, I am always coming up with some kind of craft to do with kids.

So we started planning… first the invitations:

Then I needed to decide what crafts we wanted to have: Coloring. Beads. Clay. Collage. Apron Decorating. Painting. Sand Art. My parents rented a huge tent, and my niece and nephew, some of my little cousins, and family and friends helped out at different stations. The tent was ALL crafts 😊 I do believe my Lucy Scoops would have been very happy! Especially with all the children crafting and playing!

Poppy seed packets were made for everyone to go and plant in her memory.

All around our house and outside, we had these little jars with candles. “A life to be loved and celebrated!” in the hearts we wrote names of friends and family that ran ahead tragically, or because of a terminal illness, etc. Shining a light, lighting a candle, saying their name, every so often, speaks volumes.

In the last post, I mentioned I had just sent out her birth announcements. This was because of a couple reasons: 1. Most importantly, out of respect for her birth family. 2. We were getting to know each other 😊 I hadn’t had the 9 months in my belly. So this time was critical to have time with her and learn everything about her 💕 So, not only were some people finding out I now had a child, they were finding out that I had adopted. Most everyone knew I was adopting, but considering the five years in between time, some had to be reminded ☺️.

Unfortunately, as they received their announcements, about a month later they were receiving their invitation to her celebration. Yes, this felt like I was living a very very strange dream.

There are very strong memories of this time, and then some that are extremely foggy. They are not lying when they say grief and loss take its toll on your brain and body. But when deciding on a celebration of Lucy’s life, and also reflecting on this time, I am so happy with the decisions I made. And I encourage you to think about these things when you lose someone you love, or when you are planning what you would like your family to do when you have ran ahead. (because I promise you, you will not be spared from a foggy brain, nor will your family)

1. The first thing I realized and continually the hardest thing I miss is the sounds of Lucy. And in the absence of Lucy, children are not around as much. So in celebrating her life, and making it open for all, to come play and make crafts, the beautiful symphony of children was absolutely the greatest score I have ever heard! I wish I could have recorded it and could play it everyday!
2. COLORS. ART. These bring joy, peace, happy, tender, gentle reminders. They remind you that it’s okay to get messy. It reminds you what it is to be child-like at heart.
3. The people who came. Family, friends, neighbors, of all ages, all from different times in my life. Some who have adopted. Some who have infant loss themselves. Some who have been in my life all my life. Some who I recently met. Some from hours away. Some just a few minutes away. Some who met Lucy. Most who didn’t. Kids I kept that now had grown up. Parents of the kids I kept. And the beautiful thing was I was able to greet and talk to everyone. I could be outside, or in the tent, or on the couch, or in the library, or eating, I was free to visit and just be. I could share stories about Lucy and laugh and cry when I needed to.

There were so many people that honestly made this day possible. They know who they are. They took pictures. They wrote on a big chalkboard. They made sure I ate and didn’t get to hot. They made the t-shirt aprons for kids to design and take home. They watched the art tent. They refilled the food and drinks when needed. They played with the little ones. They helped with crafts and directions. They helped with the set up and clean up. To all of you, THANK YOU!!!

Just a little note: One of the biggest heartbreaks, for me personally, buy into false claims about parents who have children that have ran ahead. Just a few:

1. “they don’t want to have children around” TRUTH: NOTHING will ever change my heart for children! If I could legally and financially have a house full of kids, I would have done it yesterday!

2. “don’t tell them you are having a baby” TRUTH: Every baby should be celebrated! And I would love to celebrate every single one! It not a great feeling finding out from a random person.

3. “don’t want to know about your children because it will hurt” TRUTH: I want to hear stories about your children, all God’s children, just as I always have!! Bring them on!

4. “don’t want to talk about their child because it hurts too much” TRUTH: This statement hurts. Ignoring and not talking about my child, signals to me, that you either have forgotten or you don’t care enough to touch the subject, which believe it or not, will bite you in the booty one day, we all will faced with loss.

I desire to talk about Lucy as much as you desire to talk about your kids. Lucy’s grandparents need to talk about all THREE of their grandchildren. Lucy’s cousins, Uncle, Aunt, and family want to talk about her. I have been blessed to have some friends who have shared their children with me. When I say “share,” they allow me to step into their lives, hold their children, play with them, they share stories and pictures, they reach out for prayer, they acknowledge I am a Mommy, and for these friends, I will be forever grateful!

Life Book of the Week: “A Grace Disguised: How the Soul Grows Through Loss” by Jerry Sittser – I read this book after a friend ran ahead shortly after giving birth. The grief that comes with tragedy has so many triggers and layers, rightfully so. When I read this book, I was trying hard to “manage” my grief, but not fully acknowledging that I really needed to let go of it all and place it at the feet of my Heavenly Father, and leave it there. By the end, I knew that’s the only way I could survive. Truly a grace disguised.