every child. every parent. every family.
“I was in the grocery store, and a woman looked at me and my daughter. I’m white and my daughter is African-American. ‘Is that your daughter?’ she asked. I said, ‘Yes.’ ‘Her father must have been very dark,’ she said. I couldn’t resist answering, ‘I don’t know, I’ve never met the man.'” – Adopting on Your Own: The Complete Guide to Adopting as a Single Parent, by Lee Varon
I have stories for days like the one above. Some that others have told me, and some of my very own. We humans tend to assume and can sometimes be very narrow-minded. We don’t mean to be, but it’s ingrained in us. The thought of a child being raised by parents other than their life-giving, biological parents, tend to be our last thought. Or if there is an obvious ethnic difference we automatically assume they are adopted. And really all these scenarios are messed up, well to me they are, because bottom line: when a child is in a loving family and are having their needs being met, then this should be reason to celebrate!
Now, I do find this story quite genius though, because of the looks and the under the breath remarks you tend to get from the world. However, there is a time and place for this comment, and it isn’t right for every situation. Which leads me to:
Single Parenting. It can be done, but it is not for the faint of heart! And it is definitely not for everybody! Since taking this path of Single-Parent-by-Choice by way of domestic adoption, I just want to shine a light on the ways that Jesus led me to “making it work.” And if you are reading this as a single parent, or know a single parent, or are interested in becoming a single parent through adoption, my hope is that you will read and pass it on, if you feel led, and also pray for single parents in these different ongoing ways.
- It CAN be done!
- Faith is #1 and it is the key to thriving and surviving! When I started searching for agencies and attorneys, I became very discouraged because of the amount of agencies and attorneys out there, and so few of them who would even take my application since I was young and single. And the wait was long, but that made my faith and fight ever more stronger! If I had to narrow down this part of my faith journey to one word: PATIENCE!
- There is only one me, one parent. It was my decision on the agency or attorney or home study agency. When it came to the home study, there wasn’t any need to collaborate on parenting styles, discipline, religion, or education. I was the only one answering those questions, and that was enough for me! 😊 Adoption Education hours, complete when I completed. Of course my parents had to do fingerprints/background checks, doctor reports, and interviews because we all lived under the same roof, but they were happy to 💕 (although did you know you can lose your fingerprints? yep. over the five year period, one of our fingerprints just completely vanished. It’s a good story for the baby book 😊)
- Be ready for the reactions of the world, friends, family. Good. Hard. Some will doubt. Some will walk away. And some friends you will gain along the way. Some will let you know they don’t agree with your choice, therefore won’t be supportive of your decision. I’d be lying if I said this is a simple and easy road all the time. It is not, I had to let go of a lot, it was lonely at certain points, discouraging at other times. I kept reminding myself, the good would always outweighs the hard. And remembering the faithfulness of our God and repeating aloud what he had already done, was what would bring me through these times.
- Build your “village!” You must have a community that will support you and come alongside you as you raise you child! Prepare a village for you and your child, of multiple generations, races, ethnicities, abilities. Make it diverse!
- Prepare! Go ahead and have all legal documents in order. In the adoption process you have to have a Will. I am a big believer this should be a must for anyone to leave the hospital with a baby, but don’t ever see this as being a law. Seriously, we are not promised the next minute, or hour, or day! While preparing your Will, get a Medical Power of Attorney too! You can be at ease, and also not worry your children later on in life! Make sure you also have a clear plan (written and posted in your house and in your car-usually good to put on the side of the carseat) of emergency. Your Name, date of birth, any health conditions, your child’s name, date of birth, any health conditions. Emergency Contacts: Name and phone numbers, I suggest 2 or 3. Primary Care Doctor Names and phone numbers. Also, at least one of your emergency contacts should know your medical history, or know where you store your important documents.
- Establish your child’s care team before they arrive, if possible. Find a primary care doctor, and let them know you are adopting and make sure they are comfortable and willing to care for your child that may have very limited medical records. Know who you trust as babysitters, let them know and make sure they are willing and able to keep your child.
- DO YOUR FAMILY: it will look different, but no two families are alike. You know yourself and you know your child. Run to Jesus for guidance, and follow where he leads. Don’t let the world or family or friends crowd your mind!
- Stick to YOUR home’s core values and rules. Respect. Truth. Honor. Communication. Faith. Don’t waver.
- Set Boundaries. Boundaries for children establish they are safe. Make sure there are certain days, activities that your reserve just for you and your child. Just as important, set boundaries in correction and discipline.
Reminder: I am writing from my experiences, which is Domestic Interstate Infant Adoption. However, I believe the above 10 things can apply to many life experiences.
The picture today is a combination of single parent innovation paired with the challenge of waiting on Interstate Compact Placement of Children (ICPC) to be processed 😂 When you choose to adopt from a state other than the state you live in, you must wait until you have clearance to leave the state in which your child is born in. And if I am being completely honest, the days that we had in what we like to call Lucy’s Hotel Nursery, were some of the best days we had with her! And this was definitely one of her favorites, and of course one of mine too!
There is always something new to learn in every interaction, experience, and moment.
Let me leave you with this, from one of my life influencers 😊
----------------------------------------------------- Obedience Training, Poem by Ruth Bell Graham "Every parent should read at least one good book on dog training. Odd how, in a day when children are notoriously disobedient, dog training and obedience classes are increasing in popularity. Basically the rules are simple. - Keep commands simple and at a minimum. One word to a command and always the same word. Come. Sit. Stay. Heel. Down. No. (I talk my children dizzy.) - Be consistent. - Be persistent. Follow through. Never give a command without seeing it is obeyed. - When the dog responds correctly, praise him. (Not with food. Remember, don't reward children materially for doing well. Your praise should be enough.) - It is a fine kettle of fish when our dogs are better trained than our children." -------------------------------------------------- (2020 election campaigns totaled $14 billion dollars. 2020 pet food and treats sales totaled $42 billion dollars. 2021 pet food and treats sales totaled $44 billion dollars. People are choosing to have more pets, rather than getting married and/or having children. These figures quite honestly make my stomach turn inside out.)
Life Book of the Week: I Am Known: How a Street Kid Turned Foster Dad Found Acceptance and True Worth, by Peter Mutabazi – I HIGHLY recommend this book! I have followed @fosterdadflipper on instagram and NOW I AM KNOWN on YouTube for several years. I know some things about foster care, but honestly, just read the book, watch his YouTube.
https://www.youtube.com/c/NowIAmKnown
The book I referred to at the top of this page, I recommend if you are looking to adopt as a single parent. It will help you in determining if you are ready, what type of adoption is right for you, agency vs attorney, etc.
