Asking for Help, Not the “Fixing” Kind

“I need to remember that I live in a culture of doers and fixers.” – Christine Rhyner, How Much Did You Pay for Her?

Nailed it! This quote is from one of the many amazing books I read in “the waiting” for my little girl to arrive. I have to often remind myself of these words, and remember to give grace, because I need just as much grace. I tend to have a cut and dry outlook, not necessarily optimistic but not pessimistic. More of a “please don’t try to fix me or the situation that cannot be fixed, and I will do the same for you.” Give me Jesus, the truth, and don’t make it pretty.

Things that people tend to want to fix in adoption: anything and everything to make the situation seem and look and sound “normal.” News flash: I am not shooting for the “normal” star. I am shooting for the, providing a life and a home for a child, star! The rest I am preparing for too, but it is far from what the world would classify as “normal.”

Okay, now that I made that clear 😊 I would like to make another thing clear, and that is, I am one person, with one brain, with one personal story of adoption. I have been given the blessing of being apart of lots of different adoptions, international, domestic, foster care, kinship, private, public, through agencies, through attorney offices. And I can speak to what I have learned in being apart of these adoptions, but today I choose to stick to my personal story, with my little girl.

Today I want to share two things: 1. Helpful things that I did in my personal waiting that was a huge help when she arrived. 2. Helpful things that my “support crew” did in the waiting that let me know they were truly in this with us for the long haul.

Let me start with the things that made my personal waiting positive, productive, and in the end, well worth the time!

• Journal EVERYTHING! Don’t overthink! Just write everything down. From phone calls with agencies or attorneys, to appointments, to fingerprints, to interviews, right down to the emotions you are feeling. I go back and read these journals, and good golly, no doubt GOD IS FAITHFUL!!!!
• Gather you solid “support crew!” These people need to be in it with you. They ask questions without hesitating. They want to know details. They are excited for you. Make a email group, a text group, so that when there are updates it will be easy to send out new details. And also this makes it easy for you to pass this job along to someone you trust when you are unable to text or write the update.
• There is no such thing as being too informed! Research, do online education, find YouTube channels, websites, books, blogs, newsletters, equip yourself, dig! You will be glad you did!
• Start preparing! From clothes, toys, books, to their room. I even started preparing Christmas and Birthday gifts! (Five years gives you good time to prep) 😊
• Write to your child! This is a blessing for you and your child! Write to them about the things you journal! Write to them on holidays and special days. It may seem silly, but buy fun cards! I purchased a notebook with page protectors for the cards to fit in, and then I would pull one out and read it to her. And I visit these a lot, along with memories of her. (this can be for anyone! I started writing to my niece and nephew when they were born- just milestones and funny things they say. Nothing heavy, but one day they will be able to look back and laugh and remember 😊)

If you are one of the people supporting and encouraging the adoptive family, these are a few of the things that really stuck out to me, that my support crew did:

• Asked how to pray continually-and prayed for Lucy by name.
• Wanted to know books that they could read
• Asked questions and didn’t hesitate. They were eager to learn.
• And the most wonderful blessing, even though she has ran ahead of me into the arms of Jesus, they continue to say her name, talk about her, they have shown me they were not just in the adoption with me, they are with me for life.
• They haven’t tried to fix my grief. They didn’t try to fix my brokenness when I was waiting. They are in it with me.

Now, of course, I have resources that I would love to share with you:

https://adoptionnetwork.com/history-of-adoption/ Here you will find tons of information! History of adoption, types of adoption, adoption myths & facts, adoption laws by state, international adoption information, agencies/info/resources by state, adoptee resources, etc.

https://adoptionnetwork.com/adoption-myths-facts/adoption-definition-terms/

https://www.adoptionlearningpartners.org/adopting/index.cfm Highly recommend! Worth every penny!

https://heartofthemattereducation.com/index.php/en/courses/because-they-waited Also Highly recommend!

https://nowiamknown.com Foster Care, Single Parent, YouTube

Are you ready for a book list? 😊 I may have shared these before and will most likely share again, but for this post they will all be together 💕 (these are all life books)

• Fields of the Fatherless, Tom Davis
• Adopted for Life, Russell Moore
• Adopting on Your Own, Lee Varon
• Adopting: Sound Choices, Strong Families, Patricia Irwin Johnson
• Keys to Parenting your Adopted Child, Kathy Lancaster
• How Much Did you Pay for Her? Christine Rhyner
• 20 Things Adopted Kids Wish: A Daily Devotional for Adoptive and Birth Parents, Sherrie Eldridge
• Walk to Beautiful, Jimmy Wayne
• Castaway Kid, Rob Mitchell
• Abandoned, Abused, Adopted, Nancy Tillman-Franklin
• Finding Chicka, Mitch Albom
• Now I Am Known, Peter Mutabazi

I cannot say this enough, I believe if we are going to come together, we must learn together. In my home growing up, we were encouraged to read whatever “format” captured our attention. Magazines, cartoons, menus (yes, we indeed were encouraged to read the history of restaurants! Don’t knock it until your try it!), children’s books (my choice 99% of the time 😊). And we were encouraged to read widely and various views. Because the Absolute Truth, is the Bible, God’s Word, period. If we could line up what we learned with His Words, we would pray to retain the lesson, and if it didn’t line up with His truth, then we could leave it in the book and move on. Bottom line: I recommend books and websites, etc and I tend to not hold back. I do not agree 100% with any of these resources. I will never agree with any resource 100% EXCEPT the Bible, the only Absolute TRUTH.

Next Week I will give a list of Children’s Books about adoption 😊