Can I get a Hallelujah?

“We are dazzled by arrays of Christmas lights. In recent years, seeing them through the eyes of my two young children has awakened something in me I’d lost to the subtle and insidious cynicism that often sets in with age: longing. Light is a wonderment because of its promise that there’s something brilliant veiled behind the darkness, waiting to be found, pulsing with life, on the brink of unfolding before us.”

Jay Y. Kim, The Promised One: Advent Readings From Christianity Today 2022

I read this earlier this week, and I said, aloud to myself, “YES! That’s it!” Children are our magnificent examples of these words! If we only slow down and allow ourselves to scrap what we have let settle, or even discarded in our “adulthood” heart, and discover the wonder, the joy, the hope, the light of Christmas.

Let me give you a glimpse:

This past Sunday my niece and nephew were in their church’s Christmas play. As an aunt, it is my absolute pleasure to attend anything they participate in, when and if I can. And there is truly something about children in simple costumes, reading scripture, and singing about the birth and life of Jesus. It is something about children, that we adults, just cannot portray, and we indeed so easily forget the amazing and holy act this truly was and is.

Before going into the sanctuary, I headed to the restroom, forever trained to not get up during service unless it’s an emergency! 😊 Instilled deep within me 💕 When I entered the restroom, I met a tiny sheep, a tiny cow, and a little donkey, and their mommies. This brought my heart so much joy! I asked them if they were excited, to which they responded with, “Heehaw heehaw” “Baabaaa” “Moo Moo.” No joke, they were ready AND excited!!! However, potty plus costumes are never an easy job when you are tiny. And I checked my watch, and it was getting close to showtime! The tiny cow was very confused on how the costume was all inside out. So I bent down to their level, and asked if I could help. The tiny cow handed me the costume, and I fixed it and then put one foot in… and then the next, whoops, that leg went through the arm! Well this tiny little cow couldn’t stop giggling! LITERALLY could not stop! Best giggles ever! It took me and another adult to help get the legs in the right place, and then the arms, and so on…

I share this today, because I have been pondering a few things this Christmas season…

First, my Nannie, in the picture above, she loved children, she loved Christmas and family, the little details mattered to her. I’m realizing I take after her a lot. All of my grandparents really love Christmas, and truly I believe this was simply because everyone was together. As I grow older and reflect on days gone by, I realize that my Nannie had some unspoken, never mentioned grief. This grieves my heart because I don’t believe she knew how to express her grief, hurt, or brokenness. And unfortunately, like many others in this generation, I have learned of these things after I’ve said “until tomorrow” to her. However, I can see that her children and grandchildren and great-grandchildren were sparks of light in her life. Her smile, her laughter, her heart was alive when children were around! And in this way, I see myself. There are days when I miss Lucy so much, my whole body aches, and some days to a point of physical pain. But then I receive a video or picture of a child in my family, or of a friend’s child, and that simple gesture can lift my spirit, and relieve some of those aches and pains. A child’s play, recital, game can lift my heart beyond belief! Nannie also was content with just being at home, caregiving was her love language. She always made sure there were Hershey’s kisses, Hi-C orange juice boxes, and Pepsi. And since she had a December birthday, she made a point that after Christmas festivities were celebrated at their house, my birthday was to be celebrated with a certain Sara Lee cake that I really liked. Which also threw her when the Sara Lee Outlet closed, she could never find the cake after that, and that really upset her. She had few and simple words, until the last couple months of her life, and then she let it all out 😂 The nurses at the hospital named her “Steel Magnolia.” Even though she had few and simple words, she was feisty, maybe I get a little of that from her too.

Second, a lot of the children I had the great honor of taking care of are graduating, getting jobs, getting married, becoming adults! So to give you an idea of where “my kids” are in life, let me share about a group I kept for many years, the same twelve children on a weekly basis. Two are engaged, one is a senior in high school, one just recently became a firefighter, a few have also started their own careers, a few are in trade school, and a few are in college. That is just a glimpse of the children I hold close to my heart! There are so many more! This Christmas I have reflected on all the plays, recitals, games, and activities I attended for these children, what a gift they have given me! And to be able to watch them grow, and now become who God has intended them to be… it’s a wonderful indescribable privilege!

Third, my heart misses my Lucy, my little girl, my post-Christmas baby. After my niece and nephew are in their Christmas play. The tiny sheep, tiny cow, and little donkey have gone home. After I am reminded of the days I took care of children and the deep love I have for them. Then I also have to boldly face the secondary losses that confront me every year, at this time. Handwritten wish lists, Christmas outfits and pjs, singing, Christmas Eve and Christmas morning, grandparents joy, “The Cousins are Coming!” excitement, handmade gifts, Christmas stories, traditions. And then, I wonder who will remember her amongst the family memories, along with the grandparents who have ran ahead also. Will her name be mentioned without me having to say it first? Or will everyone tip-toe around me, assuming I’m too fragile, or not “over it yet,” or will they be concerned that I will be a crying mess? When the truth is, tip-toeing and labeling me as fragile, or being concerned that I will ruin it all by crying, only cripples my relationships, unconsciously boundaries go up around my heart. And physical, mentally, emotionally I will be fighting for my body to continue to press on, because in my flesh, there is no strength, but by the grace and mercy of God, He is giving me the strength, one step at a time. There will always be a stocking and Santa bag at Christmas time that are screaming her name! But that doesn’t it okay to not mention her by name, or any child who has ran ahead! It’s simple, say their name, that’s all!

The bottom line truth, where my heart, mind, and soul rests is here…

“Jesus is the light guiding us through the wilderness of our despair, our pain, our loss. He is the light undoing the darkness of our fear, our anxiety, our uncertainty. He is the great Light of the World, leading us home.”

Jay Y. Kim, The Promised One: Advent Readings From Christianity Today 2022

Can I get an Amen? Hallelujah? Jump for joy? Thank you Jesus!

Life Book of the Week: The True Saint Nicholas: Why He Matters To Christmas, by William J. Bennett. I just love Christmas. There is not much that I don’t enjoy. But why haven’t they taught us more about Saint Nicholas?!?! Of course, the stories are considered legends, since they have been passed down for generations. This book had me intrigued and thinking beyond Jesus vs Santa, which tends to be the chaos right? But It’s about more, it’s about God’s love and an ordinary man who chose to live generously because of God’s tremendous love for him. I encourage you to at least read chapter nine, I think you will want to read the whole book, for sure! (Also would highly recommend The Book of Virtues by William Bennett also!)

A couple of articles to share: