What does it mean to leave home?

Let’s start today with a question: What does it mean for someone to “leave home?”

I really want you to take time and think about this one. Think about what defines leaving home physically, spiritually, mentally, emotionally, financially, relationships and so on. Think, think, think, as Pooh Bear would say, before continuing.

Why in the world would I bringing this to your attention today? First, I have overheard some comments made recently about adult children living with their parents. Second, I happen to be an adult daughter living with my parents. (which I will address the word “child” being used after adult, below) Third, I had to do some real advocating for myself in the home study and adopting process, simply because I was single and lived at home with my parents.

Let me make some things clear before I lay out my thoughts 😊 1. This is the story for Lucy and I. 2. Keep an open mind when it comes to other people’s story. We don’t know what they are facing. Where they live, what they do, and how they manage their life, they easily could be doing the best they can to keep themselves well! (this should be celebrated!) 3. Not everybody is going to agree with my thoughts and opinions, but that’s not why I am writing this today. I am writing to offer a perspective from my side of conversation.

“Leaving Home,” I believe is achieved in many different ways, and at various times in your life. It doesn’t come just when you graduate or when you gain a career or job or start a family. I believe in comes little by little, when you take on a responsibility, either for a choice or feeling or conviction or a purchase. These actions move you towards defining you and who you want to be. This is how it begins.

When I began researching and studying about adoption: different types, private or foster, agencies, attorneys, process, pre and post studies, etc- I knew right away I was going to be faced with two battles. Those battles were going to be: single/age and under the same roof as my parents. And sure enough, it was a battle to say the least. (I chose private – which made this a bit more tough) I lost count of how many agencies and attorneys I contacted and was told either “we don’t take applications for single parents,” or “we will take your application, but we usually don’t place babies in single parent homes.” And if they would accept my application, I would send it in with the “other people living in your home” part filled out with my parents names, and I would get a “can’t take your application” reply.

These responses were disappointing, but I had researched and studied so much about babies and children that were in need of families that I became more fired up to provide space for a child! So I kept looking! And found an agency and eventually found an attorney that wholeheartedly believed in me and loved the idea of a multi generational home!

I always wanted to raise my family where I grew up, so that was one reason we were going to have a multi generational home. But also, having multiple generations in one house has been around for a long time and it works well! Everybody pitches in to make the household run. Plus it doesn’t hurt to have your grandparents come scoop you up in the morning while Mommy fixes your bottles 😊. Just saying!

What “Leaving Home” means to me:

• Spiritually: I am very thankful to have grown up with Jesus loving parents. Jesus and His Word was and is instilled in my brother and I, and this was always bigger than the denomination of church we attended or how many services we attended or how many activities we did with our church. Jesus, His Word- period. We have a little bit of everything in our church history: Baptist, Methodist, Presbyterian, Assembly of God, Non-Denominational. What I like to call balance. When we had questions- the Bible was always laid out and we searched for the answers. We were taught to find it for ourselves, and we were taught how to discern truth. With books and other media we were taught that you have to receive the truth, and ask God to take away the rest. How did I leave home? Although my beliefs haven’t changed, my desire to understand children, the brain and how it works, the ins and outs of different cultures and how faith intertwines, these are my own interests and my love of Jesus grows as I learn more, and my love for Jesus desires to know more.
• Physically: Although it doesn’t “look” like I have physically left home, especially in the last few years. I have left home quite a bit. I am definitely a homebody, always have been and always will be. However, when I was keeping children, I had jobs in town and out of town. Indeed took me to larger cities in NC. And with all my health care, I basically live at Duke. I love my hometown, and I love my home, but the fact is from ages 0-30 I barely was in town/at home.
• Financially: Honestly, this is where I feel the most judged and feel like I need to defend myself the most, but I refuse to. So how about some facts: 1. I am not lazy and living off my parents. 2. I contribute my part to the household. 3. They respect me as an adult. And I respect them as my parents as I always have. 4. We all three have health concerns – so really it’s like we are in home health care for each other, at least for now. 5. Lucy was (and is) my child and I was completely ready for us to become a family- in all areas of responsibility.
• Mentally/Emotionally: If you know me, I came out of the womb blunt and full of facial expressions that I cannot hide. I am honest about my mental health. I cannot hide many emotions or reactions. So on this “leaving home” I guess there wasn’t much to leave behind or move on from- I’ve always put everything out there. On another note: I took over all my medical records when I was 18. Although I was responsible for knowing my history and medications long before then. Taking this responsibility meant: making appointments (somewhere around 8-10 a year), confirming insurance coverage, etc. This was tough, but not hair pulling at the time. As I “aged out” and off my parents insurance the real hair pulling, I need to scream, full-time job of dealing with insurance came along. This is no joke. Every year it changes. Every year I have to make sure all these things are in network/covered: Ten doctors and Twenty+ medications. And then usually a handful of medications will need prior authorizations. Two or three will have to be called in multiple times a year. And a few I will have to remind the pharmacy that I can only take a certain manufacturer. I have more patience with a child than I do with insurance companies. And I am not lying! I have a medical power of attorney simply because I have been in the ER too many times when they asked my parents to leave the room. Nobody should be left alone in the hospital, if they don’t have to be! This is how serious I take adulting!
• Relationships: I have gained friends and lost some along life’s journey. To be completely honest, I’ve had more walk away since Lucy was scooped up by Jesus. How is that for leaving home? I’ve gained some new relationships through connecting on child loss, which is very good for my heart and soul. Life is quieter, but Jesus is faithful in the loneliness, and I am very content. I am the last person to promote social media, but I am only on Instagram, but I have connected with some other parents that I feel like I have had the opportunity to pray for their children and their families during some hard things. We may never meet this side of eternity, but I pray we will someday. For such a time as this, this is apart of my ministry.

Just a few other notes to think about when someone is living under the same roof as their parents:

• They are adults, treat them as such. They are no longer children. Re-phrase: Adult daughter, Adult Son.
• Adult Daughters and Sons, my message to you is this: If we are going to create a good image of adults living under the same roof, we must do a couple of things: 1. respect the space. 2. be grateful. 3. be reasonable. 4. you are sharing space – don’t live like no one else lives there.
• All medical conditions and illnesses are not visible, actually most are very invisible. Some are painful, some cause falls, some may cause nausea and dizziness, some can have good days and the next a really hard day. Sometimes the precaution for parents and their daughter/son to live under the same roof is better than them living alone- mentally and physically. Speaking for myself, all of mine are invisible, and make me feel as if I am much older than I really am most days.

If you are reading this today and you are a parent struggling with the “outside world” commenting on how long your daughter/son lives with you, I encourage you to speak up, find the positives of having them close. If you are reading this as a daughter/son living under the same roof as your parents for whatever reason, I encourage you to tell them how grateful you are for the space and the support. If you are reading this as someone from the outside looking in, I encourage you to observe and don’t make comments about “adult children” needing to move on, because the adult daughter/son may have moved as far as their life will allow. Celebrate the victories and leave the world’s version of “leaving home” far behind!

Life Book of the Week: I Like Myself, by Karen Beaumont

Today’s Picture: The one and only soccer game Lucy and I made it to 😂 But we made it! We were drenched in sweat by the end, but it was absolutely worth every second!!!