All You had to do was Ask

“God kept me close and gave me space all at the same time: to ask the questions, to express my anger, to tell him I didn’t understand. He didn’t, and doesn’t, hold it against me or use it to manipulate me into belief. God used this horrific, awful, inexcusable thing that happened to me to replace my shallow faith with one that could, and did, persist through anything. It doesn’t mean the pain hurts less, or that my disability doesn’t still affect my life every single day. It doesn’t even mean the PTSD and the anxiety and fear come any less often. It does mean when those things come and I wonder if I can keep going, he holds me and sustains me.

The answers to our prayers does not always mean God heals us of the suffering. Sometimes, it means we are sustained through it.”

Taylor S. Schumann, When Thoughts and Prayers Aren’t Enough: A Shooting Survivor’s Journey into the Realities of Gun Violence (emphasis highlighted by me)

SUSTAIN: to strengthen or support physically or mentally; to uphold, affirm, or confirm validity. Carry, prop up, underpin, be a source/tower of strength.

I come to you today with this word, sustain, echoing like a continuous thought that won’t go away. Usually this means, for me, pay attention and listen up for this word in your daily life. I don’t necessarily have the personality or characteristics that get the ADHD label or sticker instantly slapped on me. However, if you could just spend an hour or two in my brain, Magic School Bus Style, you would see that a million words get processed, rather mostly semi-processed. So when a word keeps appear in my head over and over… call it a sign, call it attention getter, call it what you would like…. I like to pay attention.

I also come to you today having not written a word down about what my hope is to write today- so let’s see how this goes 😂

The picture today I captured many years ago during a trip to the mountains. It may seem insignificant to you and that’s okay. But I captured it simply because of the simplicity. There are many questions that I wanted to know, but knew they would be left unanswered. Were these chairs from a school close by? Were they discarded, and replaced with newer ones? How did they feel about that, they were still surviving out in the mountain air? (Yes, I do think about the feelings of things without souls- We do name everything in our house- don’t knock it until you have tried it!) Who had brought these chairs down to the pond? Were they fishing or were they watching these ducks or were they just visiting with one another? Were they friends or siblings or spouses or parent and child or relatives?

The chairs. The ducks. The pond. They are all apart of a bigger story that we will never know, but I do know this: togetherness sustains. Community, friendship, family… This picture represents what sustains us from an earthly point of view. But there is another Sustainer…

It also reminds me of the quote that I began with today. You can read her story here: https://www.taylorschumann.com/about-1.

My life’s journey here on earth has taken me to many waiting rooms of various clinics, for myself and my family. I’ve sat in a lot of chairs, looked across the room, all around the rooms- waiting, exam, lab, radiology, etc- and have thought: what are they facing? is this a check-up or a first visit or could it be a “results” visit that has a lot of unknowns? who was here before me? who will be here after me? what are the people at the front desk facing- at home, work, everyday life? I’ve overheard hard conversations- insurance, co-pays, tests needed, more appointments needed, scheduling hardships. It’s a whole other world within medical clinics and hospitals. It cannot be explained or just observed for a day. Although prayers for those of us who must be in and out of this world is greatly appreciated. Just like I wouldn’t be able to tell you anything about the life of being a lineman- I have no clue what it’s like to be a wife, child, family member. I don’t know all the hard things that come with the job. But you better believe when I see that the lineman are lined up on the highways, I am praying for them and their families!

These two red chairs remind me of those days in waiting rooms, of days when “pressing on” seems impossible, the days that pain is so excruciating that I convince myself it will never go away, days that get overwhelming with information and news because life moves on and doesn’t just stop to let me catch my breath, days when the missing Lucy turns to silent weeping… and I start taking big deep breaths- in and then out saying, “Jesus, please, Jesus.” These are the times He so kindly reminds me, “all you had to do was ask.” Anywhere, any situation, he is ready with two red chairs, to sit while we catch our breath.

Yesterday, today, and I hope to leave this mark: “God sustains. Period.”

Life Book of the Week: You Are: Speaking God’s Word over Your Children, Emily Assell

Just a speech I came across this week that encouraged me. I hope it will do the same for you!