Grief and Grace
The wonderfully crazy little thing called life caught up with me last week, and forced me to rest. My last post, I had written about how some first times are also the last time, by God’s wonderful grace we don’t know this at the time. To be able to have the memories period, becomes a huge place of gratitude for those who experience these first but last times.
I know I have written before about the very real physical side of grief, and the toll it can take on your body. Having just gone through and recovering from a really hard week of this form of grief, let me just share a little bit about this “episode.” (I don’t have a better word for it)
Physical grief tends to strike when: 1. emotions have been somewhat held in. 2. sleep hasn’t come easy- getting myself to actually go to bed and get out of bed (even though I am not sleeping) – the longing for Lucy to be there, handing her little hands to fall asleep or her feet waking me up. 3. there is a “mile-marker” Lucy date or a holiday that we never got to have together.
My body just seems to anticipate it coming and I’m never quite sure how it will manifest itself, but I know that it will. Last week, I woke up for multiple days with whole body aches. It started with my back and my arms- which is the normal grief aches – makes sense since that’s the muscles I used most when holding her. But these whole body aches, if you didn’t know me, you would have thought I was being dramatic or I need help asap. Standing up, getting out of bed, sitting down, I couldn’t go without making some noise because it would take my breath away. And then of course, when I was pushing myself and questioning my sanity, the tears came flowing and would not stop. Which then led to a multiple day migraine. AKA Jesus telling my body STOP! I had no other choice.
Have I mentioned that summer is my absolutely horrible worst season of all? All my chronic diagnosis go on the attack against me. “Oh did you want to breathe today? Whoops, sorry, heat, humidity, allergens are not on your winning list today.” “Oh you were hoping for a migraine free day, well the air pressure is going to risk your chances of that hope.” If it was acceptable, I would totally hibernate in the summer!
Why have I gone from my physical grief to absolutely not liking summer? For one, my whole life summers have not been “typical.” When I was little, someone was always staying behind with me at our lake house. And as I grew older, I realized what a sacrifice this was, because now I knew what it felt like to be missing the exciting things happening out on the water. As cousins and my niece and nephew came along, this really hit hard, you don’t get those first times back, but I did get to write them down and video their excitement when they came running to tell me about it. And a lot of the past ten or so years, migraines hit really hard and fast especially during the summer- over these years I have become okay with having to lay in a dark room and hear the giggles outside my door. Now they are growing and instead of hearing their giggles, I lay in a dark room and pray and think about where they are and what they are doing. And I am slowly becoming okay with this too. The heaviest thing I have to lay down in these moments are actually the grown ups who assume I am sleeping all day. Since this is the furthest from the truth – if you have ever struggled with migraines, then you know.
When summer and physical grief collide… well, there are a lot of breathing exercises and crying the name of Jesus happening in my neck of the woods.
There is also times when I ask Jesus, “please Jesus, positive thoughts. Make the devil run far away.” And last week, as I lay wide awake in my dark room, I began to think about Jesus as a baby and toddler. I have always pondered how far his “humanness” went- we know he could feel pain, but he did not sin. So he could stub his toe and not say a not so lovely four letter word. But last week I got to thinking- as a little boy when he scrapped his knee or elbow, did Mary have to wrap it up in bandages? Or was he able to heal right away? Did he ever break a bone? He was an adventurer. Or how about this, did he ever spit out food that didn’t taste good as a toddler? These things are not sinful, according to how I read the Bible’s definition of sin. So this has been my fun little thinking and pondering for the past week.
I cannot lie, some of my grief lately is the lack of truth and the blatant abuse of power to place unqualified people in positions that are going to cause life altering, possibly life ending, changes. These changes that they are making, not only are they not knowledgeable about them, but they have no personal connection, nor will they ever be affected by the changes. I encourage you, if you are willing to listen or watch any hearings or interviews, listen for the “non-answers,” this will tell you more than anything else. Multiple questions cannot be answered because they simply don’t know what the Representatives, Senators, or interviewers are asking about. Something is bad wrong when the people watching can name these agencies and departments and what they do – but the people appointed to run them have no clue. Health and Human Services plans to take the 28 agencies down to 15. I encourage you to look up the agencies under HHS.
Last thing, as I was thinking of Jesus as a little boy, the news of the upcoming vaccine recommendations hit every news channel. COVID vaccines will only be given, aka covered by insurance, to immunocompromised. No longer will be recommended for children or pregnant women. There is a couple of things that concern me about this announcement: 1. people who are not immunocompromised can get the vaccine, but have to pay out of pocket- ridiculous! 2. The claim is that healthy children don’t get covid. Truth: the majority of children who have been hospitalized with Covid were thought to be healthy- now have chronic illness due to covid, or had an undiagnosed condition that was not found until their hospitalization. So here is the question I propose to you: Health and Human Services (HHS) is now on its way to become Make America Healthy Again (MAHA), will limiting access to approved and proven healthcare for children truly move us towards less chronic illness and a more healthy America, or will it cause more long term mental health consequences and lack of access to healthcare?
It’s a bizarre thing to see happening- the dismantling of what your parents, doctors, teachers, schools, researchers, etc have fought so hard and long for. To hear the words spoken about people with chronic illness and how the blame is on us or our moms, it’s disgusting. I could give fact after fact after fact that could debunk these lies, but I won’t. Because my mental health matters. Not just medical, but the talk of withdrawing federal funding of schools, and placing it all on the states- my parents fought this and so did teachers who were cheering on my brother. One of his good friends became a teacher and now a principal because of what she witnessed with my brother! Thank you Jesus for her and the many like her that stay in the fight- hold them up and surround them!
Jesus told his disciples to let the children come- the kingdom belongs to those who are like them. Children are our greatest teachers and they are our legacy… starting the moment they arrived.
Okay, that’s enough for today. It’s all in HIS hands!
Life Book of the Week: Feet Go to Sleep, by Barbara Bottner
