Children Grieve Too
“There’s a stillness about grief. A process. An overwhelming hush. Some days it screams about the one I miss. Some days it’s a peace that there is more. Some days it’s a silent mending as tiny broken pieces are put back together. In any form, I don’t mind the quiet — it’s a sign of an endless love, a richness, an undying hope. I’m learning that the quiet is part of the sacred mess of grief, of aching, of mending, of becoming whole when part of you is gone. It’s sacred and holy, and because of that it makes me feel just an inch closer to him. I don’t want the quiet to leave.” – Scribbles & Crumbs
Every year, on the third Thursday of November, it is Children’s Grief Awareness Day. In complete honesty, I didn’t know this until Lucy ran ahead of me and I was looking for resources, such as books and activities to keep her life a continuing blessing.
I believe this should be a federal holiday, to be blunt with you. Here’s why: 1. Children are often the last people to be considered when there is grief. 2. Children seem to be accepting and ready to move on, but the processing of grief will come in ways adults don’t necessarily recognize. 3. Children rarely are included in decisions, such as funeral plans, or in the situation of a broken relationship, one picture they can keep of that person.
Grief doesn’t just occur when someone passes away. Grief can accompany a friend moving away, a separation or divorce, any form of abuse, sudden changes in daily life, and so on. And for children the smallest changes that have the potential to disrupt their daily lives, can make emotions and feelings arise that they, nor you, could have been prepared for.
A heart wrenching example of this is happening all over the US. There were 21,000 children in Charlotte-Mecklenburg Schools were absent on Monday, the school system gave these children an excused absence because of the fear that our government has placed in these children. These children were not wrong in their fear that they may come home and one or both of their parents would be gone. They didn’t want to put a target on their homes and communities, by leaving and coming back – no child should carry this weight. This trauma will indeed trigger grief, but when these children have their parents taken from them, the ones who are not violent criminals, the grief will be enormous. What do we expect them to do with this grief?
Let’s go back to why I believe it should be a federal holiday!
- Children are often the last people to be considered when there is grief.
- It is easy to get caught up in our own emotions and feelings, that we forget that others also have emotions and feelings, especially with great loss. But whether it’s a life, job, relationship, children 100% deserve to be heard, given a listening ear, and reassurance that there will be at least one adult with them throughout their grief.
- Children seems to be accepting and ready to move on, but the processing of grief will come in ways adults don’t necessarily recognize.
- The biggest way I have witnessed this is behavior. I’ve heard over and over, “I just don’t know what has gotten in to him/her. The behavior has completely flipped.” Children are still learning self-regulation. But I have a question for the adults asking this question, Is your behavior the same at the moment as it was before you were hit with the grief you are experiencing at the moment? I am going to guess no. Yes, you have the skills of self-regulation, but children have to be taught to talk it out, play it out, be creative to work it out. So the big lesson here, I believe, is to know your child, or get down on the child’s level, find out what they like – its usually best to find something they like to do with their hands or feet, this gets energy out and will distract them enough to get them to talk enough to find out what’s going on in that magnificent brain and marvelous heart of theirs. And when in doubt or a crunch, every child needs to make a mess once in a while, so grab some paint and paper or even an old bed sheet and let them throw paint, let them make a wonderful masterpiece!!! I’ve never had a kid pass up a chance to get messy. Jump in puddles! Dig a hole! “Paint the house or fence” with water and paintbrush.
- Children rarely are included in decisions.
- In the last days with Lucy, I was struck with the realization that I was about to be asked funeral questions, obituary questions, and all that this entails. The night that Jesus scooped her up is still a slow motion reel in my memory. There were beautiful moments, and heart ripping moments. I couldn’t catch my breath to even answer basic questions once I had laid her in the moses basket in the back of the funeral home car. So the next morning, the plans had to be decided on. I kept thinking, “I just sent out her announcements. We just received her finalization and birth certificate. An obituary is just not right- for many reasons.” And I knew a traditional funeral was not what I nor any of my family needed. I needed my family, I needed children.
- After finalizing little details with the funeral home, literally taking care of her precious little body. I simply could not think of doing anything that wouldn’t be held at our house. I also couldn’t imagine having something that wouldn’t include all the families surrounding us in celebrating Lucy’s Life. The people that had prayed and stuck by us for years. So this meant children of all ages would be included and welcomed with open arms. And I had just the right people to help – my niece and nephew and some little cousins 😊 And when I say help, I mean they came up with crafts and activities and made stations, helped younger kids, they were absolutely AMAZING! They knew Lucy, they were missing her along with me, they also knew that play and art is good for the heart and soul, and a little Chick-fil-a doesn’t hurt either.
- As I am always saying, ask children what they think. You don’t have to do 100% of what they suggest, because it’s just that a suggestion- a conversation – a signal to them that they matter, that their opinion matters. Give choices. This allows them to learn to self-regulate and also how to make decisions. We could learn a lot if we only would give children the time to answer.
How about some resources and information on Children’s Grief Awareness Day?
https://www.childrensgriefawarenessday.org/cgad2/index.shtml
https://www.childrensgriefawarenessday.org/cgad2/resources/index.shtml
Try to Find Lucy’s Butterfly 😊
The following Links are to a website that has three books: ABCs of Grief; ABCs of Emotions and Feelings; ABCs of Coping (pre-order) This website is also a resource for Child-Life services- in-person and virtual. I highly recommend her books, and even though I don’t have experience with her Child-Life services, I have been following her for a while and I know she has some amazing reviews! I highly recommend finding Child-Life services for any child who is grieving. You can find child-life professionals all over, (https://portal.childlife.org/clcc/CertBank/Pages/Certification-Status.aspx)
https://www.kidsgriefsupport.com/shop
https://www.kidsgriefsupport.com
Life Book of the Week: Someday Heaven, by Larry Libby
