Volume Up!

There are so many reasons this videos is on my phone all the time. 1. My niece is adorable. She now has much more hair than her adorable blonde strands of hair in this video. Her blue eyes have not changed, they still take my breath away, as someone once told her, “I can see the ocean in your eyes.” And of course, she still can give us this “sneaky” look/laugh once in a while. 😉 2. You can hear my mom, my Paw-Paw, and I laughing. The best laugh in the background is my Paw-Paw’s. Of course none of us knew at the time what the months ahead held, but in this moment, “Lilly Baby” had him in tears laughing, as she often did!

In the last year to months that we had with my Paw-Paw, he would get to laughing and couldn’t stop, that it would eventually turn to tears. It’s not that he never laughed before, because believe me, he did! He had the disease of getting tickled at the most inappropriate times! His shoulders would start shaking, his eyes watering, and then we all would be laughing. There was no shortage of laughter in our family! But these last few months, as reality quickly set in for all of us, sometimes the laughter would end in what I am going to refer as “soul tears.” Since most of this laughing outburst usually were due to a great-grandchild story or like the video above, tears would eventually come, and he would just say, “Oh man, I sure am going to miss them.” I still hear him saying this and tears fall, as I type this. He would almost say it under his breath, a sort of sigh.

I share this because it has occurred to me that this is how my Christmas seasons have been the past couple years, and for sure this year. Many things I’ve had to let go control of, things given away, traditions no longer possible, have made space for new things that make the season lighter for such a time as this.

I find myself thinking back on the days of when my brother and I were little. One of my favorite Christmas morning videos, he was so excited for me to have woke up, that he just keeps saying, “Look, girl! You got a kitchen, girl! Cookies, Girl!” That’s the spirit of Christmas, being excited no matter what. I believe that Christmas we may have played with what I got more than what he got! Play kitchen turned McDonalds, who can turn that down! We had brown shag carpet in our family room, big brown faux suede couch, a big blue recliner (aka my nebulizer chair- where I was usually accompanied by someone while I had a treatment multiple times a day), a huge stereo that took up almost the whole bookcase, which was always playing Sandy Patti or Collection of all the good Christmas songs on repeat. We couldn’t wait to call all of our grandparents to tell them what we had gotten, and to tell them come on over and see! And then we would go through everything again 😂 Laughter was definitely shared!!!

Reflection, perspective, stillness… these are the words that come to mind when I think of the moments I have already had this Christmas season. Shopping was done before thanksgiving, wrapping done. I love doing both of these things, but I really wanted to take in Christmas this year. And with each year since Lucy ran ahead, and the children that have surrounded me are growing up, stillness and quiet become more and more apparent. If you know me at all, this is a hard swallow moment.

When I held Lucy for the first time, there was nothing in me that would even dare to think that we would never have a Christmas together. Unconsciously I knew that the “never happens” really do actually happen, but I was in the moment, and continued to do moment by moment. It gets harder every year to try to imagine what she would be like, what she would be doing- she would be seven years old at the moment. That is so far from 6 months old that it’s impossible to know. What I do know is that there would be wishlists on my refrigerator, letters to Santa being mailed, advent calendars, Christmas noises, Christmas outfits, crafts, parties, maybe even a Christmas play. There would definitely be more than the sound of my air purifier and traffic outside my window.

My time to have this wonderful noise was cut extremely short, and I don’t doubt His will at all. But as my Paw-Paw would have done, I remember the times that she would have me laughing, and I laugh until I am in tears, “soul tears,” and say “Jesus, I sure do miss her.” Because He hears, sees, feels, and is with me and her!

When the volume of your children Christmas noises overwhelm you this Christmas, because they most likely will, take a couple of deep, deep breaths, and remember, this isn’t forever. And if you are a memory capturer – record the voices, noises, one day you will want to revisit it, I can guarantee it! And most of all, don’t take life to serious, let yourself laugh every single day!!!!

Life Book of the Week: Look! A Child’s Guide to Advent and Christmas, by Laura Alary