“Hope is My Favorite Thing to Have”

Let me pause before I start todays post… I must say my heart is deeply grieved for the many who have had their lives completely shattered- by violence, by policy, by “well-educated” people who have no clue what their “self-educated” counterparts are going through, by unacceptable and nasty comments and remarks. The cruelty is at a level that is beyond I could have ever imagined, and I don’t know where or when it will hit the peak for enough of us to shout STOP! So until then, I am just letting you know if you are out there thinking, “am I the only one yelling at the tv?” Let me assure you, you are not, and we are in this together!!!

Now for today’s writing…

Heartache; heartbreak; sorrow; pain; suffering; melancholy; discomfort, these are other words that are the results of the search for “grief words.” Blessed; joy; humor; cheer; happiness; hope; content, these are words that are the results for the words opposite of grief.

I have this inner thought and heart like bungee cord. It’s constantly giving me permission to grieve, while also reminding me that Lucy brought me and continues to bring me so much joy, hope, and funny memories. I believe it’s a healthy tug, but the thing about having her run ahead so quickly, is that I am working through secondary losses, and will for the rest of my life her without her.

Secondary losses are holidays, milestones, first day of school, middle school, high school, school programs, school dances, and on it goes.

She was with me to celebrate my mom’s, my niece’s, my brother’s birthday, Mother’s Day, Valentine’s Day, Easter, July 4th, and many others in between. Not that this makes these occasions any easier, but I have memories and pictures of these days that I can look back on.

Halloween, for example, is a tough one, because if you know me, I’m all in for a good costume! I even had a whole Pinterest board waiting for her to pick from! I had started planning that she would be popcorn- and that I would decorate my Ergo carrier like a popcorn box and she would wear a little hat made of popcorn.

Christmas, by far, brings something new to the surface every year. The first year was completely devastated that I would never have a Christmas morning with her. This year the full realization has hit me like a truck load of bricks: I will never get to see my parents be her grandparents and watch her on Christmas morning, the way my grandparents watched my brother and I. That sparkle and wonder that always came to my grandparents faces when they arrived, it was like they were kids again. I am blessed that I have been able to witness them do this with my niece and nephew. However, Lucy is my little girl, and this stings and cuts and pierces my heart.

Christmas to Easter is by far my favorite holiday season. First, because of Jesus. Second, children. Between Jesus and children, life’s biggest lessons, truths, and observations are taught and learned. If only we slow down to listen, soak it in, laugh a little, pause a bit, get on the floor, or curl up in a comfy chair with them. It’s all in the longing, waiting, hoping, anticipating…

There were a few “in the waiting” preparations that I tried to be long term minded about. One of these preparations was my Christmas list was her future Christmas list. So, the first year of waiting, bottles, bottle sanitizer, blankets, infant supplies were the contents of my Christmas list. Then the second, third, fourth, fifth year, the contents included a soft baby doll she could sleep with, an American Girl historical doll and the start to her collection, lots of radio flyer, green toys, books, musical instruments 😊 So she was set for a few Christmases. I boxed up most of it and had it ready. (Some may have snuck out and would have been hand me downs from cousins, but I think she would be okay with that.) Not to mention Christmas outfits and she indeed had a red patent leather pocketbook with a bit of fir around the edges, purchased by my mom, waiting for her, to stuff her pacis in. My paw-paw and grandma, my mom’s parents, loved taking me shopping at Peaches ‘n’ Cream, I mean I was the only granddaughter. When I was baby-toddler age, I always had a Christmas parade outfit, usually with Jefferies knee socks or tights (big deal in our textile town) and patent leather Mary Janes. And usually my grandma had me in some kind of “kerchief.” 😊 So it was fitting that early on in my waiting, my mom purchased a pocketbook and Christmas dress for Lucy.

This Thanksgiving, my mom, my dad, and I were all watching the Macy’s Day Parade, this is when it really began to hit me like a dagger to the heart. They will never go to a Christmas parade with her. They will never watch this parade on thanksgiving morning with her. They will never take her to see the Christmas lights in her pjs and get doughnuts or Starbucks or whatever she wants. They will never see her open any of the toys they got her for Christmas, during all those years of waiting. They will never be waiting in the family room, listening for little feet to hit the floor and pitter patter to see what Santa brought. They will never see Christmas wonder and awe in her eyes, face, and expressions. They will never watch White Christmas, It’s a Wonderful Life, The Polar Express, Elf, and so many really good Christmas movies with her.

Loss is hard and ugly. As much as it hurts, there is a bunch of hope in this heart of mine. If waiting and then Lucy running ahead has taught me anything, it is hope. Hope is not anything that will be achieved this side of Heaven, but oh what a day when our hope is fulfilled!

In this advent season, we must remember and speak these very simple, yet profound and life-altering words: Our hope is Jesus, the one who came, lived, bore our sins on his shoulders and died to restore our relationship with God and save us from eternal separation, and has risen, indeed! We must accept this as absolute Truth, and live it out. Jesus doesn’t even know when he is to come and scoop up all who have chosen to accept and live out the Truth – so my challenge to you this Christmas is this: live out the truth of Jesus! Hope for the healing. Hope for the renewal. Hope for the reuniting. Hope for the day he will hold your face in his hands, and welcome you to a place that I cannot fathom- no tears, no pain, no rudeness, so far beyond what I can even comprehend that it makes my heart race! This is hope. Rest in it this Christmas season.

And make sure to pause and enjoy the children this Christmas…

Life Book of the Week: It’s A Wonderful Life for Kids, by Jimmy Hawkins

Today’s title credit goes to a family friend, Jeff V.