Days Like This

Do you ever find yourself just sitting, in a far off daze, with the world seemingly spinning around you, at a speed that is incomprehensible, and you are sitting completely still?

I cannot pin point exactly when this became a “normal,” almost daily thing for me. I mean, other than completely zoning out in school and such because of ADHD and Learning disabilities. This is totally different.

When I became a Mommy, I would get in a thought process of what is upsetting my Lucy Baby? Diaper, hungry, sleepy, tummy hurts, uncomfortable, etc. Does she want to play or watch the animals outside? What is the best skincare and haircare and formula and diapers and wipes? What types of clothes does she prefer? What makes her the happiest? (The above picture: she slept beside me, in my bed, her entire life, most of the time in a Dock-a-Tot, highly recommend! And most nights she would inch her way over the side enough to end up on top of my head 🙂 best sleep I have ever gotten! Her next to me, then on top of me, and a constant paci noise to know she was breathing well!)

Since she has ran ahead of me, I find myself in a daze of missing, wondering, longing. What would she be doing? What would her personality and individuality be like? She would be four years old, would I have her in a play school a day or two a week? What would she like to do? Dance? Music? Art? Would she like the potential of being home schooled in k-12th? Would she like her home library? I wonder who her friends would be. How would COVID and moving from the house I so desperately wanted her to grow up in, effect her? How would she be with her cousins? What would it be like to watch her wake up and go wake up her grandparents every morning? What would it look like for her to be mobile, walking, running, swimming? What would it be like to hear her say, “Mommy?”

And then there are the “can’t really move” in a daze days. Those are the days that life doesn’t hold back. It just hits full force! The did that really…? Did I really…? Am I really…? questions literally hold you down in your seat, and take you for a rollercoaster ride.

Now, I know that I have “dazing days” that have consisted of more than the above thoughts. It’s quite easy to do when your attention span is short and your brain is wired for wandering. I have times when I start thinking about things my niece and nephew are facing, or adventures we have been on. I think about the children that I’ve had the privilege to care for and love and what they are facing as they grow up and become young adults! I think about the people I look forward to seeing again, and the impact they have had and continue to have on my life. I think back on hard times, relive and write down these times so that I can start healing. I think about the good memories, and relive and write down these times for future generations. There are times when, I cry, “Jesus I need you now!” because I simply can’t turn off the thoughts.

Today, I am writing this through a daze… a “mother’s day is coming” foggy daze. Not that I am dreading it. Not that it’s a bad day. The one Mother’s day I had with Lucy, was absolutely one of the BEST day’s ever! It’s a reflective and preparation daze… It’s peaceful and hopeful. I believe it’s a daze that only my Heavenly Father can provide for me, and I plan to embrace it fully!