Truth: “Nevers,” Happen!

“It will never happen to me…”

“I never imagined this would happen to me/our city/our family…”

We are all human, so we have all thought this at one time, maybe even said it out loud. Nobody wants tragedy to strike, or trauma, or disaster to happen to them or anyone they love. Yet, it does, and we still are repeating these same sentences. Granted we are creatures of habit, so in the midst of panic and chaos, we say and do things that just come to mind that has been stored in our brain for times like these. It’s how we are wired.

Let me just ask this: What if we started watching and reading the news, reviewing history, listening and truly hearing people’s stories, recognizing that could absolutely be me, or my family? With compassion, not with a cloud of dooms day, but a sense of humility instead of hostility. Place yourself in the doctors office getting the news of cancer or chronic diagnosis. Getting the phone call that you daughter or son provoked violence. Having the doorbell ring, answering it, and finding out a family member is missing or has passed away. Standing outside a school, waiting for you child to be accounted for. Enjoying a parade after 2 years of not being able to have the traditional July 4th hometown parade, and think that you hear fireworks, instead look around and see handfuls of people lying in the streets… It might not be any of these scenarios, but I am writing to you today to let you know, be thinking, because we cannot claim our “nevers.”

I became aware of “nevers” happening, early in life, due to different situations. We had family friends that ran ahead, cancer, accidents, other things. We knew the medical world was a big world, and not many were exempt from “nevers.” I honestly see these experiences as preparation for the next page, and then the next, in the storybook of my life. Preparing me for the next path and journey. I have parents and grandparents to thank for exposing me, letting me experience relationships with people of all ages, which is a big part of who I am and how I think and what I believe to this day. There is great joy, deep loss, abundant hope, and severe mercy in the fellowship!

A few posts back I wrote about “Normal,” and how it tends to sting when grieving. It was said to me after Lucy’s diagnosis and running ahead, “I could never imagine this happening…” “I can’t believe this happened…” And I was shocked, I had been prepared, not only by life experiences, but by general adoption education and research, prepared for literally anything. They prepare you for lots of things, but I wasn’t ready for these things to be said to me. I was aware that these things happen, and could happen to anyone, even me and my little.

I have a few more phrases that are, again ingrained in our brains, but even so, they are hard to swallow. Some phrases that we (including me) can pause and rephrase…

“Let me know if you need me!” Honestly, when grieving you don’t know what you need! I found that if you want to help, which lots of people want to, and I appreciated that, simply sitting out a cooler for food and a note on the back door to please leave goodies, was the best for everyone for a couple of days. And just text or call to let them know you left something.

“Let’s not be strangers!” My reality was I had lost friends during the adoption waiting and arrival. People like to pop up out of the blue when there is a birth and when someone runs ahead. Don’t falsely lead the grieving that you will be checking in on them, when they are already at the bottom. I couldn’t physically, emotionally, mentally meet anyone halfway for months- but there were friends who definitely checked in on me and understood my heart, mind, and soul. Which leads me to, don’t try to fix anything! We don’t need fixing. (if there are signs of mental health decline- then seek mental health help)

When I say “fixing,” these phrases are what I mean (which mean well, but hurt the open wound):

“You were the perfect mom for her.” (or dad, or him) Well, no one is perfect. It just rubs the wound.

“There are lots of children that need homes. You can always adopt again!” True, there are a ton of children, and I would love to give every one of them a home, that’s the heart of adoption. Aside from the very specific process of adoption, Jesus called me to adopt Lucy, and He made that very clear. If it’s His will He is very able to lead again! I cannot and will not do this, knowing it is not His will for me and my family!

“You love so many children and they love you!” YES! I do indeed! And that will never end. Lucy was mine though, we made a family, and that will never end either.

“Jesus has her.” “At least we know where she is. Or who she’s with…” These statements are true, but take your cues from the “griever.” Wait for the parent or the one grieving to initiate. I absolutely believe Jesus scooped Lucy up. Yes, that makes me long for eternity with Jesus and her and all the communion of saints more and more each day. The fact is I know, and I am attempting to let God unclench my fist more and more each day. When others make this claim, it makes me want to clench more to my sinful human nature than eternity, because it feels as if you have been given more knowledge about the mystery of God and where my baby is, and that not true, because we all have the same 100% truth, the Bible.

Grief is very real. My grief will last as long as I am on this side of eternity. And that is okay. Because she arrived and we became a family. And that was something that some assumed would “never happen.”

Life Book recommendation for this week, “The Liturgy of Politics: Spiritual Formation for the Sake of Our Neighbor” Kaitlyn Schiess (https://ivpress.com/the-liturgy-of-politics)