Living in the daily Indeed!

Indeed! was born out of the statement and response: Christ is Risen! He is Risen Indeed! In my home growing up this was a daily morning greeting. The reminder and the response was necessary, because honestly, nobody is 100% of the time ready to jump out of the bed and get to work every single day. But if you know, believe, and live in the “indeed” He IS absolutely risen, then there is a reason to put forth effort to make Him known and honor Him with your daily practices, routine, and to-dos.

My little girl’s hospital and diagnosis anniversary is nearing, as well as her running ahead to Jesus day. Like with most grief and loss, I replay all the moments, the good, the hard, and the downright devastating. I become more reflective and suddenly have a loss for words to articulate my feelings and emotions. So bear with me!

At holidays and back to school/end of school, I miss and wonder what she would be doing, what her personality would be like, and there is always someone missing in all the cousins activities.

This time of year though, I tend to more deeply grieve the ordinary and daily routine things that most people are glad they never have to deal with again.

Dirty diapers: Once we went to see her primary care doctor, and received her diagnosis she may have had two or three wet diapers after that, but she was not interested in eating or drinking. So the diapers I changed after that were really for keeping her (me) feeling clean and cute. Nothing prepares you for this to come to a complete halt. By the time she ran ahead she could have been in premie diapers, she was in size 2 before the hospital. I greatly miss the simple task of changing her diaper, making her feel better and all clean.

Formula and Bottles: I go through stretches when I wake up at her feeding times during the night, even 5 years later! All I can do is weep and remember how precious these times were. This also came to a complete halt once she began to show signs of aspirating.

Baby Food: Oh how she would get excited! We would be covered in food and she would be too! She was strong and would grab the spoon and jerk it and send food flying! I miss being covered in bananas and sweet potatoes!

Naptime and Bedtime: “Sleeping next to someone you love makes you fall asleep faster, reduces depression, and helps you live longer.” I have this quote taped to my desk, and the picture is of a mother and her child. This quote is absolutely true! I have never slept more sound than I did with her beside me! I never will regret one nap or one night that she was right beside me! And if she wasn’t beside me, she was beside my mom, and some naps were spent on my dad’s belly 😊and I am incredibly grateful for this!

I miss her cries. I miss carrying her everywhere. I miss singing and talking to her. I miss bath time. I miss watching her try to sit up on her own. I miss the simple moments, like in the picture above.

I want to share the extremely vulnerable grief today, because it has opened my eyes to the everyday routine things that I can do that someone else may be deeply grieving they can no longer do. I don’t have the daily blessings of diapers, feedings, naps, and bedtime beside my little one.

BUT

I do have many ways to share our story.

I have family and friends that remind me of moments with her and the amazing Jesus I serve, who is holding us both tight!

I can get out of bed everyday and get dressed.

I can have special times with my niece and nephew.

I can live a moment at a time, day at a time.

I know of God’s faithfulness and I know I can cry “Jesus I need you!” as many times as I need to!

I can grieve and live in the Indeed! that he has the WHOLE world in His Unfailing Loving Hands! What could be better than that?

Life Book of the Week: In honor of Father’s Day, some of my favorites: “A Father’s Day Thank You,” by Janet Yolen, “Dandy,” by American Dyckman, For grandfathers: “Hey Grandude!” and “Grandude’s Green Submarine,” by Paul McCarney

How about a Life Song? “Snow White,” by Ryan Long