Grief
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What ever happened to PLAYtime?
Play. What are the first things you see, feel, smell, taste, hear when you think of this word? Color. Smiles. Activity. Concentration. Comfortable. Welcoming. Happy. Play-doh. Finger paints. Goldfish. Juice. Giggles. Conversation. Pitter-patters. Music. Squeals. These are just the beginning of what pops into my head when I think about “play.” Children have the raw instinct to just know to play. They don’t need instruction, they simply begin. They start by learning the noises and voices that are safe and familiar. Then slowly they begin to develop their focusing skills, and start to discover their hands, feet, and those around them. They gradually learn they can kick, grab, roll over,…
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One Wave at a Time
Just a note before I start today’s writing: I am so grateful for the picture above, along with many more, you never know when these moments will no longer exist. And we have the opportunity in our pockets (phones), to take glimpses of these moments. I encourage you to not hesitate, take the pictures! Video all the firsts, seconds, thirds, the moments that you can’t get back! I know how these priceless treasures can make my day just a little bit more do-able, I never wish this on anyone, but believe me if you are ever left with just pictures and videos and memories, you won’t regret a second of…
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Celebrate? Now? How?
As I walked back into our house, into complete silence, I wept and couldn’t catch my breath. I just remember thinking, “when will I be able to come back up for air? This hurts so bad!” As I crawled into the bed that I now couldn’t remember her not being beside me in, I wrapped myself in every blanket that was hers and cried and breathed, “Jesus, Jesus, Jesus!” A deep breath in and breath out, Jesus. Repeated until my heart rate was somewhat normal. Although my head felt as if it was going to explode. I would be lying if I said this was a one time thing. The…
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Thoughts of a Broken Mommy
I want to take you on a trip today, one that I find not many will allow me to talk about. One that I am literally aching to tell the world is okay to talk about, ask me about, and is making the world of grieving parents feel as if they are insane. So if you are one of these parents, let me be clear, you are not alone, and you are not insane. I may not know you, but we are together in this journey called life. Keep sharing your story, your child’s name, their story, the world need you and them! Let me take you on a trip,…
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Truth: “Nevers,” Happen!
“It will never happen to me…” “I never imagined this would happen to me/our city/our family…” We are all human, so we have all thought this at one time, maybe even said it out loud. Nobody wants tragedy to strike, or trauma, or disaster to happen to them or anyone they love. Yet, it does, and we still are repeating these same sentences. Granted we are creatures of habit, so in the midst of panic and chaos, we say and do things that just come to mind that has been stored in our brain for times like these. It’s how we are wired. Let me just ask this: What if…
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Did you say “nOrMaL?”
My heart is shattered. There are families weeping and aching because there are empty beds, empty seats at their table, less laughter in their home this week. As one dad said it so well, “she always brushed her teeth.” These tiny details, the details that we seem to nag kids about, these are cut off/no existent for these parents. This is grief. I don’t know much, but this much I do know… the loss of a child is different. I’ve known loss, from when I was 4 years old-ish to now. When I was four, it was my friend who was only a year younger than me at the time,…
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Quality or Quantity?
Life. So many little choices. So many BIG choices. How do you define quality? How do you define quantity? Which do you value the most? In my post, “This little one calls me Mommy,” I told you all that I would write more on Lucy’s diagnosis of hydranencephaly. This is the hardest post yet, just being real and honest. So please bear with me… Milestones. If you know anything about any pre-adoption prep/education, you know that the words “bonding time” are huge, especially with adoptions under the age of 5. It’s the crucial and critical years of our lives that form us, and more importantly, form our basic foundation for…
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Days Like This
Do you ever find yourself just sitting, in a far off daze, with the world seemingly spinning around you, at a speed that is incomprehensible, and you are sitting completely still? I cannot pin point exactly when this became a “normal,” almost daily thing for me. I mean, other than completely zoning out in school and such because of ADHD and Learning disabilities. This is totally different. When I became a Mommy, I would get in a thought process of what is upsetting my Lucy Baby? Diaper, hungry, sleepy, tummy hurts, uncomfortable, etc. Does she want to play or watch the animals outside? What is the best skincare and haircare…
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Lament. Grief. Tears.
What comes to mind when you think about these words? Today, I type through tears, because life hits sometimes and you just need to cry. (I might have been just wondering why He is asking me to blog, bc I am having to ask for a lot of patience!) As my Mom is always reminding me, “God wouldn’t have formed the tiny tear ducts if he didn’t think we needed tears every now and then.” And honestly, since watching my Lucy be in such pain, then have supernatural peace to her having her eyes set on the sky, the day Jesus scooped her up, my tears come faster and no…
