Mommy
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Thoughts of a Broken Mommy
I want to take you on a trip today, one that I find not many will allow me to talk about. One that I am literally aching to tell the world is okay to talk about, ask me about, and is making the world of grieving parents feel as if they are insane. So if you are one of these parents, let me be clear, you are not alone, and you are not insane. I may not know you, but we are together in this journey called life. Keep sharing your story, your child’s name, their story, the world need you and them! Let me take you on a trip,…
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My Brown Eyed Lucy
This past Saturday, July 9, was the anniversary of Jesus scooping up my Lucy, back into His arms. And when I think back on that day, it was actually a calm, peaceful, hymns playing, her gazing at the sky and then at us and then back to the sky. It was easily the most peaceful day of her life. We were seeing all signs of her body “letting go,” but she must have been waiting for my brother to come visit, and for my mom to take her out for their daily front porch time. (only God knows the timing-I am not God-this time was just bittersweet) Because as soon…
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Truth: “Nevers,” Happen!
“It will never happen to me…” “I never imagined this would happen to me/our city/our family…” We are all human, so we have all thought this at one time, maybe even said it out loud. Nobody wants tragedy to strike, or trauma, or disaster to happen to them or anyone they love. Yet, it does, and we still are repeating these same sentences. Granted we are creatures of habit, so in the midst of panic and chaos, we say and do things that just come to mind that has been stored in our brain for times like these. It’s how we are wired. Let me just ask this: What if…
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Did you say “nOrMaL?”
My heart is shattered. There are families weeping and aching because there are empty beds, empty seats at their table, less laughter in their home this week. As one dad said it so well, “she always brushed her teeth.” These tiny details, the details that we seem to nag kids about, these are cut off/no existent for these parents. This is grief. I don’t know much, but this much I do know… the loss of a child is different. I’ve known loss, from when I was 4 years old-ish to now. When I was four, it was my friend who was only a year younger than me at the time,…
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Quality or Quantity?
Life. So many little choices. So many BIG choices. How do you define quality? How do you define quantity? Which do you value the most? In my post, “This little one calls me Mommy,” I told you all that I would write more on Lucy’s diagnosis of hydranencephaly. This is the hardest post yet, just being real and honest. So please bear with me… Milestones. If you know anything about any pre-adoption prep/education, you know that the words “bonding time” are huge, especially with adoptions under the age of 5. It’s the crucial and critical years of our lives that form us, and more importantly, form our basic foundation for…
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Days Like This
Do you ever find yourself just sitting, in a far off daze, with the world seemingly spinning around you, at a speed that is incomprehensible, and you are sitting completely still? I cannot pin point exactly when this became a “normal,” almost daily thing for me. I mean, other than completely zoning out in school and such because of ADHD and Learning disabilities. This is totally different. When I became a Mommy, I would get in a thought process of what is upsetting my Lucy Baby? Diaper, hungry, sleepy, tummy hurts, uncomfortable, etc. Does she want to play or watch the animals outside? What is the best skincare and haircare…
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Christ, Children, and Confetti!
I LOVE Easter! It’s good and hard and a time of brokenness and healing… Christ. Spiritually… it’s a time of remembering Jesus, and the fact that facing death is real, so real that his sweat became blood. He was so grieved and stressed, his body reacted as he had so intricately designed. Pause here for a moment. Think about how you sweat, and then think about that turning to blood! Although I cannot identify and say I have ever had this happen, I can say I have had the experience of bleeding non-stop, whether a wound or nose bleed, etc. In these moments, I feel light headed, weak, disoriented. I…
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Lament. Grief. Tears.
What comes to mind when you think about these words? Today, I type through tears, because life hits sometimes and you just need to cry. (I might have been just wondering why He is asking me to blog, bc I am having to ask for a lot of patience!) As my Mom is always reminding me, “God wouldn’t have formed the tiny tear ducts if he didn’t think we needed tears every now and then.” And honestly, since watching my Lucy be in such pain, then have supernatural peace to her having her eyes set on the sky, the day Jesus scooped her up, my tears come faster and no…
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Take time
Today, I encourage you to take time… to remember… to tell your story… relive memories… pull out old photos, letters, artwork, videos, and just sit, and think of how grateful you are for those moments. My heart today would like to share with you, more of the miracles, moments, and memories of becoming Lucy’s Mommy! I look back on the 30 years of life I had before her arrival, and I am in awe of the amazing preparation/work God had been doing in and around me! Some examples being: Knowing and growing up the medical life and community, advocating, knowing the truth about “never happens.” Also, I had the honor…
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this little one calls me Mommy…
I left you hanging on the last post, that there would be one more “little” to come… (for such a time as this :)) There are two things I want to define before I embark on this incredible journey today, “miracles” and what I tend to refer to as “never happens.” Miracles, definition by a ragamuffin (me): when i use the word “miracle,” every person is a miracle. The fact that God knits us together and created a space for us to grow for 9 months, safely, is a miracle! There are miracles happening everyday, every moment, you just have to open your eyes to them. They don’t have to…
